Kinder Jackass

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I credit the husband with finding this one...
my first great laugh of the week.

Well, besides the laugh I got when we had to fish a lego out of Youngest Child's nose with tweezers.

"Mummy!!! STUCK!!! WHEREZALEGO???? AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"

Sex toys? Yes, please.

I got the invitation via email last week. It simply read:

A night of cocktails and cocks
Martha's house
6:30 - ???

The invite left a lot of room for interpretation: sex toy party or a drunken gang bang? Either way, I was game. After a week of three kids afflicted with various strains of a shitting/puking supervirus, I was game for just about anything that involved being out of the house.

Yvonne and Amy picked me up and we headed over to Martha's, alcoholic beverages and homemade brownies in hand. We were an hour late (thanks to Yvonne and her ongoing hair crises) and promptly caught shit from a couple of the older (read: horny & divorced) ladies who had been waiting for the show to get on the road.

HornyLady#1: "Well it's about TIME!"
K: "Huh?"
HornyLady#2: "You're an hour late!"
Y: "Yeah, sorry about that."
H1: [rolls eyes]
K: "We brought booze and food. You'll get over it."
H2: [shoots a dirty look across the room]
K: "Oh relax, honey. You'll get your dildos."
H1 & H2: [icy stares]

We got settled and our "love specialist" got things rolling. We'll call her Barbara. Barbara turned out to be a middle aged Jewish lady who was ready to bust out of her velvet stretch pants and bejeweled and oversized top. Just seeing her hold a dildo was going to be a scarring experience, so I got up to top off my glass one more time before getting started. This got me more icy stares from the Hornies. I made a mental note to torture them over the course of the evening, took a long swig of wine and sat myself down.

The opening activity involved having each of us write our names, our least favorite household chore, and why it's the least favorite on a slip of paper and passing it to our neighbor, who then crossed out the chore and wrote "hates sex because" in place of it. How innovative and hilarious.

"Yvonne hates sex because she hates putting it away."
["HAHAHA, yeah, she's a petite girl, she can't handle it!"]

"HornyLady1 hates sex because it's mildewy."
["Hey Barbara, do you sell Summer's Eve?"]

"Martha hates sex because her hands get all pruny."
[There were no comments for this one. It was kind of stupid.]

"Hazel hates sex because it smells."
["Hazel needs to borrow that Summer's Eve, H1!"]

And finally, it was my turn.

"K hates sex because she lives with 4 slobby males."

The Hornies giggled. "Eeeewwwwww!!!"

It was on like Donkey Kong at that point. I took another long swig.

K: "S'ok! I'd rather pick up after my man than be alone and bitter!" [smiles brightly]

Their mouths hung open as Barbara got us moving onto the next segment. I used the transition time to get another drink. It was gonna be a long night.

There were many strange little activities...like when she paired us up and told only ONE of us to make a fist, and then reached for a bottle of lube. Turned out she wanted the other person to use her fingers to penetrate the fist, thus demonstrating the effectiveness of lube. Oooook... Sounds creepy enough, but shit was just getting started.

Barbara whipped out some Q tips and a tub 'o something, and uttered the words that any woman dreads to hear at a party that involves insertive objects.

"I need a volunteer!"

I got up to get another drink. No fucking way was I volunteering for SHIT after the fisting activity.

A brave girl jumped up and took the Q tip, with the instruction to go to the bathroom and "apply it". Barbara gave each of us our own Q tips full of this tingly-type cream that is supposed to enhance sensitivity, and encouraged us to sniff, taste and apply it to sensitive areas. The Hornies decided to put it on their nipples; I opted for the more demure lip application (the lips on my face, perverts).

H2: "You're putting it on your lips?" [sarcasm mixed with pure bitch]
K: "Not everyone is comfortable getting their tits out in public."
H1: "I DIDN'T GET MY TITS OUT."
K: "You're right. It was only one tit. My bad." [smiling]

The rest of the night involves various uncomfortable activities and the passing-around of 30 different varieties of Battery-Operated Boyfriends. Some were big ($130 Rabbit, complete with metal ball bearings and some scary-looking spinning thing), some were small (the 'Chubby G' for example), and everyone was equally grossed out by all of them. I was personally most grossed out when Barbara started demonstrating the proper used of the Giant Double Penetrator. Thank God she kept her stretch pants on, but I'm still scarred.

Meet Chubby G.
This thing scares the fuck out of me.

To see the reactions to the merchandise that was being passed around, you'd think that I was sitting in a room full of virgins. It got really interesting when it came time to put in orders; all the virgins turned into rabid pit-bulls, chomping at the bit to place orders. Barbara only had limited stock on hand, and nobody (least of all the Hornies) wanted to go home empty handed.

Horny #1 beat me to the punch by calling first. I practically elbowed the other one to get dibs on going second. Each lady came out of the room with a bag in hand. My bag was of medium size, but the Hornies needed the XL bags to hold all their booty.

K: "Well gee, you ladies sure stocked up."
H1: "She ran out of small bags."
K: "Suuuuuuure." [wink]
H2: [putting coat on] "Let's go."
K: "My, we're in a hurry! Don't forget to pick up batteries!"
H1: [grabs purse]
K: "Hey, this was fun! Ya'll come back now!"
H1&H2: [scurry out the door]

My purchases were modest. I got this heart-shaped heating pad for the husband's back, and yes I went home with something that vibrates. That's all you need to know.

The husband waited up for me, eager to see what I'd brought. Needless to say, he was pleased, and ready to toss me onto the bed, but I stopped off in the bathroom to brush my teeth and take care of a little business...at which point I discovered that I'd started my period.

Not only did I ditch him on a Saturday night, but I came home with sex toys that we can't use for another week. Poor guy. If I'd know, I would have picked him up one of those pocket masturbators to hold him over.

You don't need Prozac...

Just watch this video and you'll be perked up in no time.

Laughing Babies

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I've been sick for the better part of the week, so this is about all I can muster up at the moment. My sex toy post should be ready soon, I swear.

Great moments in parenting

My husband and I were spending quality time together, which basically means each of us on our own computer, but still in the same room, occasionally interacting via instant messenger if one of us comes across an interesting link, when I suddenly realized we hadn't seen either of our younger children in probably half an hour.

I went to their room to investigate, and found each of them snug in their beds, passed out having been watching Thomas the Tank Engine. An unpleasant odor was coming from the bottom bunk, where Youngest Child was snoozing.

Husband was right behind me, and started changing Youngest Child while I tucked in Middle Child, when he suddenly started freaking out.

H: "[YC], keep your hands out of there!"
K: "What's he doing?"
H: "He's half asleep, trying to grab..."
K: "Well did he?"
H: [pauses] "Yeah, give me more wipes...he just touched his dirty asshole."
K: "WHAAAAT?"
H: "Well he DID!" [annoyed]
K: [stumbles out of room, doubled over in laughter]


Parents of the Year. Yup. We're in contention.

It's HERE! Glorious day! Long live the British!

My new template has been installed and appears to be in perfect working order. Let's all give a virtual round of applause to my favorite Brit in the world, Bob, for all of his hard work and dedication.




I have only viewed the site on the newest version of Internet Explorer (beta) and with Firefox. Bob has concerns that older versions of IE may not display the new template properly. So, if you're using an old version of IE, blame your browser, not my Bobber.


As a side note, I would just like to say that my floating orange is completely kick ass.

Holy Shit!

I am fairly certain that Natalie Dee, of NatalieDee.com fame, visited my blog.


My logic:

1. Natalie Dee is from Columbus, Ohio, as is my anonymous surfer.
2. Natalie Dee uses a Mac. Notice the Mac OS.
3. She was referred from a technorati search, presumably because she was checking out who links to her site. Anyone who gives a shit about their site traffic checks out technorati on occasion.
   

As you can see, it was a split second hit, but she was HERE goddammit! I wish I'd know she was coming, I would have cleaned this shithole up.


I think this is clear indication that I spend far too much time analyzing my stat counter.

Coming soon... [cue suspense-filled music]

Bobber has informed me that my new template is nearing completion. It's downright ridiculous how excited I am right now. Watch tomorrow for a fresh, citrus-laden look.


In other news, I am going to a sex toy party tonight. I've never been to one, and I am fully expecting something blogworthy for Monday. The invitation read "A night of cocktails and cocks". Eewww...

My bitch bought me coach

Yvonne came home from a trip to St. Maarten bearing the the granddaddy of all souveniers: A "Coach" bag.






Goddamn, I just love her right now. I had the shittiest day, and she busts out just the accessory to cheer me up. If I were a lesbian I'd probably marry her right now.


"I figured after the vacuum, you could use a girly gift."


My beeyatch knows me well.

Natalie Dee: I heart you.

Today, my husband sent me a link to College Humor, because he saw something that "looked like those shitty pictures by that strange girl you like so much." Well lo and behold, a Natalie Dee Valentine popped up on my screen.


I love the tagline: "Not only is this the most offensive Valentine we've seen, it's probably the most offensive thing ever submitted."

Coming from College Humor, that is quite a flying leap. Are they fucking kidding? Between the various degrading pictures of women and the disgusting "Hey, let's light our farts on fire and see if the hair on our asses ignites as well" videos, I think there are FAR more offensive things over there.

You know, the WTC attack was a horrible thing. I remember where I was when I heard, I remember crying and watching the news for hours, I remember seeing satellite images of the smoke and wondering if the end of the world was truly coming. But you know what? I laughed my ass off when I saw this picture. Natalie Dee has some balls, that's for sure.

Ignorant and heartless? Nope. Sick, twisted sense of humor? Abso-fucking-lutely.

I figure I'll probably get a divided set of opinions and reactions from you, my readers, as you are a VERY diverse and opinionated group of people, but I saw this and just had to share.

My opinion is this: If we can't make light of shitty situations, then the terrorists have truly won. The fact that I am even ALLOWED to see something like this, and decide for myself whether it is offensive or not, is what makes this country great.

Happy Heart Day!

The husband was considering my Valentine's Day gift weeks in advance...research, price comparisons, online reviews...I knew something big was in the works, but I couldn't quite figure out what. V Day is usually a flowers, candy and maybe a small piece of jewelry type of affair in my house, so I was surprised to say the least.

He consulted the girls at work, who told him that this gift would be a great idea. The lady who sold him said gift said, "Well, if you're gonna buy her a [blank], you might as well get her the best one there is."

I know I've got you excited now..."What could it be???" you're probably thinking. Can't be jewelry...perhaps an electronic gadget of some sort? All he would say was this: "It's expensive, and it's worth a BIG blowjob." Naturally, my curiousity was piqued; the husband doesn't normally expect sexual favors in exchange for gifts, so this shit had to be good.

Last night, he smugly says the words I've been waiting to hear:

"So, do you want your present now, or tomorrow?"

I'm an instant gratification kind of a girl, but of course I said the girl thing: "If you want to give it to me now, then give it to me now." To which he responded [of course], "Ok, I'll wait until tomorrow." I pouted a bit, took a shower, and went into the bedroom to find a giant box hidden under the covers on my side of the bed.

"What the fuck???" I muttered to myself.

I pulled back the comforter to reveal the oddest thing I've ever gotten for Valentine's Day in my entire life.


Yes, boys and girls. My loving husband bought me a vacuum for Valentine's Day. I picked up the box, saw the $499.99 price tag, and just about keeled over. The husband jumped out of the closet with a grin.

H: "So? Whaddya think???"
K: "It's a vacuum!" [smiling]
H: "Yeah. It's a DYSON."
K: "I know! It's...a vacuum!" [smiling wider]
H: [stares at me expectantly]
K: "It's a REALLY NICE vacuum!" [still smiling]
H: "Fuck, I am such an idiot..."
K: "NO NO NO!!! It's great! It's a...vacuum!" [forcing a grin]

Now, I'm the type of person who cannot hide what I'm feeling. All the grinning in the world couldn't hide the fact that I was completely shocked. Not unhappy kind of shocked, just completely taken aback that my husband [he of "We don't need a $500 vacuum"] would drop that kind of cash on a household appliance. And for Valentine's Day no less. I guess shock wasn't the reaction he was looking for, and the fact that I didn't immediately drop to my knees to service him was, apparently, a sign that I completely hated my gift.


H: "The girls at work said this would be a good idea...fuck..."
K: "It's a great idea! It's a really nice...vacuum!"
H: "I should have gotten the jewelry..."
K: "No! It's great! You were creative, you took a chance!"
H: "You would have preferred the cheap ass jewelry...goddammit..."
K: "It's just...so expensive!"
H: "It's the best there is!"
K: "I know it is! It's fabulous!"
H: "Oh yeah...great gift. Happy Valentine's Day, now clean my house bitch."
K: "Noooo, I wasn't thinking that! Stop it, it's a great vacuum..."
H: "Uh huh...sure..."
K: "It's just so expensive! We could have gotten a refurb on Amazon..." [voice trailing off]

Husband got this horrified look on his face.

H: "HOW MUCH IS A REFURB???"
K: "Um...I can't remember...never mind."


So today I came home to flowers and candy, since he felt like an asshole for buying his wife a vacuum for V Day. It's a great vacuum though, and boy was I was the envy of the teacher's lounge.

The thing is completely kick-ass, it looks like something that belongs in space and it sucks like nobody's business. I could pick up a bowling ball with it if I wanted.

It's ok, you can be jealous. It's a perfectly natural reaction.

Kirby Guy would be spitting nails if he could see me now...

Put the poor kid to bed, will ya?

My son used to do this in his high chair. His head would bob in all directions, waking him up briefly before starting to bob again. He ended up face down in a pile of cheerios more than once.

One has to wonder why the sadistic bastard taking the video didn't just put the poor kid to bed. The answer is simple: the perks of the job are few, Mommies and Daddies have to get their revenge somewhere.

Sleepy Baby

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Ummmm... never mind.

I've decided to hold off on changing the commenting system until I can look into it a bit further. The thought of losing all of your witty and insightful comments after 6 months time pains me too much to risk it.


Anyway, for today I give you: the perfect female form. I found this by accident, and it's all kinds of nekkid, so don't click this if you've got kids around.

Naked Chick


Let's just say I understand lesbians better and better as each day goes by. Women are soooo much prettier.

"Meet the kite-eating tree, you son of a bitch!"

I don't post videos often, but this one is truly the shit.


The Real Charlie Brown

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New Commenting System

I've just installed Haloscan to replace the blogger commenting system. Don't panic! It looks different, but it still allows for unregistered users to comment. It has a few extra features, so I'm trying it out.


Now, it looks like the old comments have been wiped out [I freaked the fuck out when I saw this, some of you bastards are pretty funny and I would hate to lose my old comments], but they're still there. You just have to click on the post titles in the side bar to view them as individual posts. Like this:

My fat ass is officially under attack

If anyone encounters any problems with this new system, please email me at dailyskweez@gmail.com. I can revert back to the old system at any time.

Anyway, I am home with a sick child today, so I plan on catching up with laundry. I'm fairly cranky, being on a diet and all, and I'm hoping that a heaping bowl of Raisin Bran will perk me up. I don't know who I think I'm kidding with that statement, but I figure if I say that I like fiber-filled food enough times, maybe I can fool my brain into believing it.

I'm pretty much on the rampage this week. I did a math project involving m&m's with my class and was taunted by the sweet smell of processed chocolate and candy coated shells for 2 hours straight. I don't think my sense of smell has ever been so acute. It was all I could do not to forcefully pry the stuff from their chubby little hands.

It is also becoming apparent to my colleagues that I am now on a diet. I walked into the teacher's lounge [crappy diet food in hand] and sat next to an equally chubby colleague who was reading Cosmo.

"Well, isn't SHE a skinny little thing!" I said with disgust, my voice dripping with hunger-filled venom as a rail thin model stared me down from the open page.

She looked at me sideways, with a bit of alarm. Then she looked down at my lunch, and nodded with understanding.

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels, right K?" she said with a knowing smile.

Tell that to my taste buds, bitch.

Goodbye cruel world...

The Lego Suicides

I hope she plans to wash that shit before she gives them back to little Joey.

My fat ass is officially under attack

Ghengis has called me out, and goaded me into an 8 week weight loss challenge along with 4 other people I've never met. Biggest loser walks away with $300 bucks.


There are few things in life that eat at me more than being shown up in any way, shape or form...and Ghengis is well aware of that fact. I've been dancing around the diet issue for several months, relying on various excuses and clinging to my snack foods with a Kung Fu death grip. Time to stop fucking around, boys and girls, this shit is officially on.


Consider this post my advance apology for being a miserable, cranky bitch for the next 2 months or so. I realize that I'm unpleasant as it is, but expect a steady downward spiral into pissiness.

Oral....hygiene

My students had a presentation on oral hygiene today. I figured it would be your standard "make sure you brush your teeth, floss, and harass your parents to buy Colgate products...and here's your cheapie toothbrush" type of things. Imagine my surprise when they busted out the video.

The kids were happy to sit and do nothing for half an hour, so they sat nicely while a loose baby tooth told his tale of woe.

It started out by showing a lone baby tooth in a very pink set of gums. He led a happy, formula-fed existence until his host started eating solid food. He found himself constantly splattered with bits of food which was regularly washed down with milk...now, this may sound pretty innocent, but you had to see it to believe it.

I don't know what kind of fucking weirdos produced this video, but the scene where the tooth got showered in milk played out like some kind of bukkake scene in a Japanese fetish porno. First, you get covered in shit, then you get splooged repeatedly. It got particularly interesting when the other teeth started arriving...it was like a big, toothy orgy, and they all moaned in ecstasy as their host brushed them. I found this questionable, but attributed my interpretation to a dirty, filthy mind.

The next scene was the clincher for me. The original baby tooth was in the forefront, being tongued.

"Ooooohhhhh, I love it when she rocks me with her tongue..." the loose tooth cooed, its "eyes" rolling back and his mouth hanging open. I looked at the other teachers at this point...it couldn't just be me. I couldn't be the only pervert in the room, and I was right. Concerned glances were being exchanged among the more senior teachers; the younger teachers (myself included) were turning red trying to hold in their laughter.

Tooth: "oooooohhhhh yeaaaaahhhhhhh..."
K: [whispers to other teacher] "What the...are they kidding?"
Other Teacher: "This is...oh, my...I've never seen an oral hygiene video like this..."

Thankfully, 99% of the kids did not catch on to anything inappropriate, and the little bastards that did were promptly threatened with lost recess and notes to their parents for inappropriate comments.

Elementary school just ain't what it used to be...

Thank You

I'm extremely grateful for all of your thoughts, prayers, emails and comments. Dad came through the surgery with flying colors, and when I saw him last night he was raising hell in recovery, slapping nurses on the ass and demanding three cigarettes so he could be wheeled outside to smoke them simultaneously. He was also completely looped on post-op morphine, which is always entertaining to watch.

He's an awful patient. He decided that he hated his johnny ["Fuck these assless pajamas, I'm not some kind of goddamned homo that needs quick access!"], so he whipped it off and decided to just be shirtless, much to his young nurse's horror ["Don't worry honey, I'm not gonna flash you. I still have the pants on for chrissake."].

Nursie insisted that he have something on, so he grabbed his t-shirt and started putting it on right over his IV. She was smug, and held the johnny out, expecting him to give up.

Nurse: "Now how do you expect to get that on with a needle in your arm?"
Dad: [annoyed] "Hand me the goddamned bag. I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, sweetie."

He proceeded to thread the IV line, bag and all, through his armhole.

Dad: "Now you don't have to look at my man boobs. Happy?"
Nurse: [shakes head, walks away]
Dad: [yelling after her] "SEND THAT NURSE IN WHO SMOKES! SHE PROMISED TO TAKE ME OUTSIDE ON HER NEXT BREAK. I'M TAKING THREE AT ONCE, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!"

Imagine all of this happening with my Dad having a hoarse, raspy Marlon Brando-esque whisper (from the breathing tube, while he was in surgery), and it's pretty entertaining.

Anyway, he's home today, up and about, not following a single doctor's order to rest and stay off his feet. Clearly, being foul-mouthed and stubborn runs in the K family.