Sex toys? Yes, please.

I got the invitation via email last week. It simply read:

A night of cocktails and cocks
Martha's house
6:30 - ???

The invite left a lot of room for interpretation: sex toy party or a drunken gang bang? Either way, I was game. After a week of three kids afflicted with various strains of a shitting/puking supervirus, I was game for just about anything that involved being out of the house.

Yvonne and Amy picked me up and we headed over to Martha's, alcoholic beverages and homemade brownies in hand. We were an hour late (thanks to Yvonne and her ongoing hair crises) and promptly caught shit from a couple of the older (read: horny & divorced) ladies who had been waiting for the show to get on the road.

HornyLady#1: "Well it's about TIME!"
K: "Huh?"
HornyLady#2: "You're an hour late!"
Y: "Yeah, sorry about that."
H1: [rolls eyes]
K: "We brought booze and food. You'll get over it."
H2: [shoots a dirty look across the room]
K: "Oh relax, honey. You'll get your dildos."
H1 & H2: [icy stares]

We got settled and our "love specialist" got things rolling. We'll call her Barbara. Barbara turned out to be a middle aged Jewish lady who was ready to bust out of her velvet stretch pants and bejeweled and oversized top. Just seeing her hold a dildo was going to be a scarring experience, so I got up to top off my glass one more time before getting started. This got me more icy stares from the Hornies. I made a mental note to torture them over the course of the evening, took a long swig of wine and sat myself down.

The opening activity involved having each of us write our names, our least favorite household chore, and why it's the least favorite on a slip of paper and passing it to our neighbor, who then crossed out the chore and wrote "hates sex because" in place of it. How innovative and hilarious.

"Yvonne hates sex because she hates putting it away."
["HAHAHA, yeah, she's a petite girl, she can't handle it!"]

"HornyLady1 hates sex because it's mildewy."
["Hey Barbara, do you sell Summer's Eve?"]

"Martha hates sex because her hands get all pruny."
[There were no comments for this one. It was kind of stupid.]

"Hazel hates sex because it smells."
["Hazel needs to borrow that Summer's Eve, H1!"]

And finally, it was my turn.

"K hates sex because she lives with 4 slobby males."

The Hornies giggled. "Eeeewwwwww!!!"

It was on like Donkey Kong at that point. I took another long swig.

K: "S'ok! I'd rather pick up after my man than be alone and bitter!" [smiles brightly]

Their mouths hung open as Barbara got us moving onto the next segment. I used the transition time to get another drink. It was gonna be a long night.

There were many strange little activities...like when she paired us up and told only ONE of us to make a fist, and then reached for a bottle of lube. Turned out she wanted the other person to use her fingers to penetrate the fist, thus demonstrating the effectiveness of lube. Oooook... Sounds creepy enough, but shit was just getting started.

Barbara whipped out some Q tips and a tub 'o something, and uttered the words that any woman dreads to hear at a party that involves insertive objects.

"I need a volunteer!"

I got up to get another drink. No fucking way was I volunteering for SHIT after the fisting activity.

A brave girl jumped up and took the Q tip, with the instruction to go to the bathroom and "apply it". Barbara gave each of us our own Q tips full of this tingly-type cream that is supposed to enhance sensitivity, and encouraged us to sniff, taste and apply it to sensitive areas. The Hornies decided to put it on their nipples; I opted for the more demure lip application (the lips on my face, perverts).

H2: "You're putting it on your lips?" [sarcasm mixed with pure bitch]
K: "Not everyone is comfortable getting their tits out in public."
H1: "I DIDN'T GET MY TITS OUT."
K: "You're right. It was only one tit. My bad." [smiling]

The rest of the night involves various uncomfortable activities and the passing-around of 30 different varieties of Battery-Operated Boyfriends. Some were big ($130 Rabbit, complete with metal ball bearings and some scary-looking spinning thing), some were small (the 'Chubby G' for example), and everyone was equally grossed out by all of them. I was personally most grossed out when Barbara started demonstrating the proper used of the Giant Double Penetrator. Thank God she kept her stretch pants on, but I'm still scarred.

Meet Chubby G.
This thing scares the fuck out of me.

To see the reactions to the merchandise that was being passed around, you'd think that I was sitting in a room full of virgins. It got really interesting when it came time to put in orders; all the virgins turned into rabid pit-bulls, chomping at the bit to place orders. Barbara only had limited stock on hand, and nobody (least of all the Hornies) wanted to go home empty handed.

Horny #1 beat me to the punch by calling first. I practically elbowed the other one to get dibs on going second. Each lady came out of the room with a bag in hand. My bag was of medium size, but the Hornies needed the XL bags to hold all their booty.

K: "Well gee, you ladies sure stocked up."
H1: "She ran out of small bags."
K: "Suuuuuuure." [wink]
H2: [putting coat on] "Let's go."
K: "My, we're in a hurry! Don't forget to pick up batteries!"
H1: [grabs purse]
K: "Hey, this was fun! Ya'll come back now!"
H1&H2: [scurry out the door]

My purchases were modest. I got this heart-shaped heating pad for the husband's back, and yes I went home with something that vibrates. That's all you need to know.

The husband waited up for me, eager to see what I'd brought. Needless to say, he was pleased, and ready to toss me onto the bed, but I stopped off in the bathroom to brush my teeth and take care of a little business...at which point I discovered that I'd started my period.

Not only did I ditch him on a Saturday night, but I came home with sex toys that we can't use for another week. Poor guy. If I'd know, I would have picked him up one of those pocket masturbators to hold him over.