Happy Heart Day!

The husband was considering my Valentine's Day gift weeks in advance...research, price comparisons, online reviews...I knew something big was in the works, but I couldn't quite figure out what. V Day is usually a flowers, candy and maybe a small piece of jewelry type of affair in my house, so I was surprised to say the least.

He consulted the girls at work, who told him that this gift would be a great idea. The lady who sold him said gift said, "Well, if you're gonna buy her a [blank], you might as well get her the best one there is."

I know I've got you excited now..."What could it be???" you're probably thinking. Can't be jewelry...perhaps an electronic gadget of some sort? All he would say was this: "It's expensive, and it's worth a BIG blowjob." Naturally, my curiousity was piqued; the husband doesn't normally expect sexual favors in exchange for gifts, so this shit had to be good.

Last night, he smugly says the words I've been waiting to hear:

"So, do you want your present now, or tomorrow?"

I'm an instant gratification kind of a girl, but of course I said the girl thing: "If you want to give it to me now, then give it to me now." To which he responded [of course], "Ok, I'll wait until tomorrow." I pouted a bit, took a shower, and went into the bedroom to find a giant box hidden under the covers on my side of the bed.

"What the fuck???" I muttered to myself.

I pulled back the comforter to reveal the oddest thing I've ever gotten for Valentine's Day in my entire life.


Yes, boys and girls. My loving husband bought me a vacuum for Valentine's Day. I picked up the box, saw the $499.99 price tag, and just about keeled over. The husband jumped out of the closet with a grin.

H: "So? Whaddya think???"
K: "It's a vacuum!" [smiling]
H: "Yeah. It's a DYSON."
K: "I know! It's...a vacuum!" [smiling wider]
H: [stares at me expectantly]
K: "It's a REALLY NICE vacuum!" [still smiling]
H: "Fuck, I am such an idiot..."
K: "NO NO NO!!! It's great! It's a...vacuum!" [forcing a grin]

Now, I'm the type of person who cannot hide what I'm feeling. All the grinning in the world couldn't hide the fact that I was completely shocked. Not unhappy kind of shocked, just completely taken aback that my husband [he of "We don't need a $500 vacuum"] would drop that kind of cash on a household appliance. And for Valentine's Day no less. I guess shock wasn't the reaction he was looking for, and the fact that I didn't immediately drop to my knees to service him was, apparently, a sign that I completely hated my gift.


H: "The girls at work said this would be a good idea...fuck..."
K: "It's a great idea! It's a really nice...vacuum!"
H: "I should have gotten the jewelry..."
K: "No! It's great! You were creative, you took a chance!"
H: "You would have preferred the cheap ass jewelry...goddammit..."
K: "It's just...so expensive!"
H: "It's the best there is!"
K: "I know it is! It's fabulous!"
H: "Oh yeah...great gift. Happy Valentine's Day, now clean my house bitch."
K: "Noooo, I wasn't thinking that! Stop it, it's a great vacuum..."
H: "Uh huh...sure..."
K: "It's just so expensive! We could have gotten a refurb on Amazon..." [voice trailing off]

Husband got this horrified look on his face.

H: "HOW MUCH IS A REFURB???"
K: "Um...I can't remember...never mind."


So today I came home to flowers and candy, since he felt like an asshole for buying his wife a vacuum for V Day. It's a great vacuum though, and boy was I was the envy of the teacher's lounge.

The thing is completely kick-ass, it looks like something that belongs in space and it sucks like nobody's business. I could pick up a bowling ball with it if I wanted.

It's ok, you can be jealous. It's a perfectly natural reaction.

Kirby Guy would be spitting nails if he could see me now...