Flying Meat, Beer Pong and Doggy Porno

The husband and I were invited to a cookout last night. One of his friends just bought a house, and the crew was eager to help him to break the place in. When we arrived (they'd started around 5, we didn't get there until almost 9), Beer Pong was already in progress, and everyone was pretty well shit-faced. Shenanigans commenced shortly thereafter.

Mikey, the homeowner, is quite proud of his house, and spends every spare minute working on it. His yard is immaculate...you'd think he crawled around on his hands and knees with manicure scissors and a can of green spray paint, it looks that good. Whenever someone spilled beer, he was right behind them washing the patio down with water. You can imagine his dismay when Mark, the resident child of the group, decided to start throwing meat.

It started with a charred hamburger patty that sat dejected on the cold grill. He thought it would be funny to fuck with the Beer Pong players, so he hurled it up in the air about 20 feet and it landed in the middle of the table with a very loud SMACK. Hilarity ensued; Mikey was not amused. He threw the patty in the trash, so as to discourage further shenanigans, but the husband stood in front of the trash while Mark fished the patty out. He tossed it across the table several more times without Mikey noticing, all of us laughing harder with each SMACK. He then discovered the leftover hot dogs, and started pitching those as well.

Mikey: "Guys, cut the shit."

[*giggles*]


Then, it happened; Mark's aim was a bit off, and the patty ended up on the fuckin' roof. We were in tears by this point. Then ANOTHER patty landed on the roof. Mikey had been inside the house while this was going on, but once he saw us all gathered around the grill doubled over with laughter, he decided to dispose of all the leftover meat. Mark, once again, went into the trash while the husband stood in front of it, shielding Mark from view. More patties flew.

Mikey: "Jesus fucking Christ, how many hamburgers are left over??? Where the hell are they coming from?"

[hysterical laughter comes from across the patio]

Mikey: "K, are they getting them out of the trash?"
K: "I don't know shit. I didn't do anything."
Mikey: "YOU MUST HAVE SEEN SOMETHING!"

[more hysterical laughter. Thanks for leaving me to swing in the breeze, guys.]

K: [runs away, and into the house for another drink]

A drunken Jojo decided to come clean.


Jojo: "Mikey, there is meat on your roof."
Mikey: "WHAT?"
Jojo: "Yeah, there's at least one patty up there, probably 2."
Mikey: "You're fucking kidding me, right."
Jojo: [thinks for a moment] "Yes. I am fucking with you."
Mikey: "Good fucking thing. How the hell would I get that shit down?" [walks away relieved]
Jojo: [doubles over with laughter]


Since the cat was out of the bag at that point, I sat down and talked to his girlfriend Amy, who was too drunk to care about rotting meat on her roof. Mikey was within earshot, drowning his new homeowner sorrows in Beer Pong.


K: "So do you think birds would take it away?"
Amy: "I don't know...probably...maybe squirrels?"
K: "But aren't squirrels vegan? They eat nuts and shit."
Amy: "Yeah...you're probably right. Raccoons?"
K: "You know, I bet a good rainstorm will wash them right off the roof."
Amy: "But what if they get stuck in the gutters?"
K: "Good point. They'd probably rot in there. The maggots would take care of it."

Mikey: "Would you two shut the fuck up? This isn't funny!"
K & Amy: [hysterical laughter]
Mikey: "Seriously, do I have meat on my roof? Fuck, this sucks."


Shortly thereafter, the visiting dog (belonging to one of the guests) decided to have diarrhea in the middle of his perfect lawn. Her stomach must have been upset from all of the leftover meat she managed to snag during the course of the night. Everyone except Mikey found this to be hilarious.


K: "His house will be trashed by dawn at the rate you guys are going."
Jojo: "It's just like a COLLEGE party!!! YAY!"
Mikey: [yelling] "YEAH, IN COLLEGE NONE OF US ACTUALLY OWNED THE HOUSES THAT GOT TRASHED."


Once the meat was no longer available, the guys took to trying to take pictures of the dog's ass.


Dave: "This is gonna be my Christmas card this year."
Pete: "ARE YOU MOLESTING MY DOG?"
Dennis: "Hang on dude, I'll lift her leg." [lifts dog's leg]
Dave: "Oh yeah, there's my money shot!" [click click]
K: "What the fuck are you doing to that dog?"
Dave: "Christ, I can't get a good angle..." [click click]
K: "Dude, she's not Jenna Haze, she's a dog, what do you expect?"


We left shortly after that. You know it's time to go when the only amusement is taking pictures of a dog's butt. I don't think Mikey will be having people over again any time soon.

Who's winning here?

I ran into an ex boyfriend at the supermarket this morning. He was my first real boyfriend, we dated intermittently from 8th-12th grade, and I was his prom date. We parted on friendly terms, though I haven't seen him since I was probably a freshman in college.


Of course today was the day that I rolled out of bed, pulled on the sweatpants, didn't put any makeup on and put my hair up because I hadn't washed it yet. I was just stopping into the supermarket quick and there he was. We'd always been competitive throughout school, so of course we immediately started comparing notes on where we are in our lives:


Me:

• Master's Degree

• Married

• 3 kids

• Own a home

• Currently unemployed, probably going back to the hellhole next week.

• Chubby

Him:

• J.D., passed the bar exam last year

• Married

• No kids

• Living at home w/ parents

• Currently working at the supermarket stocking shelves until he can find a job as an attorney.

• Still short, with a hugely receding hairline

Needless to say, we were both kinda doing the walk of shame as we parted ways. Clearly, we both expected to be doing far better as we approached 30. We were both considered "smart kids" in school, expected to do great things in our careers...yet here we are, both of us underemployed, wondering when the fuck everything is supposed to fall into place.


As it turns out, it's the "average" kids who have turned out to be most successful...the ones who were popular and were involved in lots of activities...those who had the brains to get into a trade or who took a chance and opened up a business.


Interesting how once the "smart" kids get out into the real world, they ain't so smart any more.

Fuckin' sweeeeeeet...

Friday was an expensive day. We ventured down to Ikea and dropped 2 grand on cabinets for the dining room project, a table, 6 chairs and a bench, which was actually stupid cheap for really nice stuff. Hopefully the husband will now get motivated to finish our remodeling project before fall.


Since we were on a roll, we decided to hit the local furniture stores to do some shopping for a new living room set. We've always had to buy cheap shit, being poor and all...we're still poor, but we put some money away and we are having a sectional delivered mid-September.


We took the kids with us (which was a mistake) and they jumped all over this fucker like it was a moonwalk at the carnival. Needless to say, the furniture protectant and 5 year puncture warranty on the leather was a major selling point.


Nothing much else happened this week...oh yeah, except for the day that Middle Child decided to put the potty seat over his head and got it stuck around his neck. I called the husband in to help me get the thing off...he almost dropped to the floor laughing.


H: [laughing] "Oh shit...get the camera!"
K: "WHAT???"
H: "Get the camera...oh my God..."
K: "Are you fucking kidding me??? HELP ME GET THAT THING OFF HIS HEAD, FUCK THE CAMERA!"
H: "Aw come on, this is blog material."
K: "There is a line to be drawn, man! Jesus Christ!!!"


So you'll all be glad to know that the husband is on your side. He's just as concerned with your entertainment as I am.

Argh...

The other day, the husband and I snuck off for a quickie. The kids were watching a movie 3 rooms away, utterly mesmerized, and we figured 5 minutes unsupervised wouldn't scar them for life. Afterwards, I got up to sneak to the bathroom. I opened the door very slowly and quietly so as not to attract attention...only to discover Youngest Child standing on the other side of the door, pointing and screaming, "WHAS GOIN' ON IN 'DARE???" I shrieked and slammed the door. He ran away laughing maniacally. The husband pointed and laughed as well.


One has to wonder if small children have some kind of built-in radar that allows them to interfere when necessary so as to prevent the creation of another sibling...

Back to Basics

In case you didn't pick this up from my previous post...I am going back to the package-handling-hellhole-that-shall-remain-nameless, probably within the next few weeks.


Seeing what I'm going to be up against for the next 2-3 years - substitute positions, intermittent health insurance, being laid off 10+ weeks a year with no unemployment benefits - I'm seriously re-evaluating what I've gotten myself into. The husband and I did the math, and as it turns out, I wasn't all that far ahead financially as a teacher than I was as a supervisor at Hellhole. Between daycare costs, exorbitantly expensive health insurance (that is bare bones, by the way...my kids can't even get PHYSICALS), teacher union dues, and the money I spent on classroom materials, I was almost dead-even. How sad is THAT?


I called up my old supervisor, who was thrilled to hear from me...apparently, they haven't been able to find anyone to permanently fill my position yet...and I will find out next week exactly when I shall return.


Honestly, with all the bullshit I've been through this year, I'm almost happy to leave it behind. The teacher I was stuck with was an absolute tard whose big health ailment turned out to be DEPRESSION. A note from her shrink gave her full license to call in whenever she wanted, which is why they hired me, to be the consistent presence for the kids and to appease the angry parents. She hated ME being there because I held her accountable, and made sure the kids got what they needed. When I showed up, she had assessments from the first month of school that never got corrected...the rank book was a mess...they were weeks behind in Grammar and Math...just a mess. She was very territorial, and even though I was there more than her, she made me get her approval for the most minute changes in lessons. She played games with my head, made me feel like I could do nothing right, and dropped piles of her bitch work on my desk while she shopped online for shoes. We weren't even speaking by the last day of school. Honestly, she is a waste of skin, and teachers like her are what is wrong with the entire system. Fuck her. I hope she rots.


I've decided that women are insane. Every job I've had with large groups of other women, there have been these power struggles and constant bitchery...backstabbing, sabotage, mental disorders, you name it. Individual women are great, but once you get a group of them together, watch the fuck out because they'll eat you alive.


Men are much easier to work with, and I'm actually looking forward to being in building with 300 men as opposed to one room with a psychotic bitch.


Anyway, I still plan on subbing a day or two a week...leaving my options open...and using the Hellhole to pay for some classes. I'm actually thinking of getting another degree, since I'm NOBODY if I'm not getting an A in something. My husband thinks I'm insane, but I'm finding that I'll make more money with an associate's degree in a specific field than with my Master's. I'm still working out the details on that one, but I'll keep you informed.


If nothing else, the Hellhole is always a wealth of blog-worthy material.

Dear Hellhole...

How have you been? I know it's been about 8 months since I've seen you, but I wanted to update you on what's been going on with me. Since we parted on such good terms, I knew I could share this with you.

You remember what I left you for? I thought that relationship would have lots of potential...it felt so right, and I was really happy, but in the end it turned out to be more of a hellhole than you. It might take me back in September, but it won't make a commitment. I can't live like that.

I feel like it doesn't want me because I'm not good enough. There's nothing that makes me stand out from the rest of the herd. I KNOW that picking me would be a GREAT decision, but I can't seem to convince anybody but myself.

If I hang around, I figure I'll get picked up here and there, and tossed aside again...no security, lonely summers...all of this has made me realize that my place is with you.

I know we had our problems, but it's nothing that we couldn't work through. I know you want me back, and I know that you'll give me the security that I need. I'll call you tonight so we can iron out the details, darling.

Sincerely,
K



P.S. Expect my tuition bill at the end of the month.