Flying Meat, Beer Pong and Doggy Porno

The husband and I were invited to a cookout last night. One of his friends just bought a house, and the crew was eager to help him to break the place in. When we arrived (they'd started around 5, we didn't get there until almost 9), Beer Pong was already in progress, and everyone was pretty well shit-faced. Shenanigans commenced shortly thereafter.

Mikey, the homeowner, is quite proud of his house, and spends every spare minute working on it. His yard is immaculate...you'd think he crawled around on his hands and knees with manicure scissors and a can of green spray paint, it looks that good. Whenever someone spilled beer, he was right behind them washing the patio down with water. You can imagine his dismay when Mark, the resident child of the group, decided to start throwing meat.

It started with a charred hamburger patty that sat dejected on the cold grill. He thought it would be funny to fuck with the Beer Pong players, so he hurled it up in the air about 20 feet and it landed in the middle of the table with a very loud SMACK. Hilarity ensued; Mikey was not amused. He threw the patty in the trash, so as to discourage further shenanigans, but the husband stood in front of the trash while Mark fished the patty out. He tossed it across the table several more times without Mikey noticing, all of us laughing harder with each SMACK. He then discovered the leftover hot dogs, and started pitching those as well.

Mikey: "Guys, cut the shit."

[*giggles*]


Then, it happened; Mark's aim was a bit off, and the patty ended up on the fuckin' roof. We were in tears by this point. Then ANOTHER patty landed on the roof. Mikey had been inside the house while this was going on, but once he saw us all gathered around the grill doubled over with laughter, he decided to dispose of all the leftover meat. Mark, once again, went into the trash while the husband stood in front of it, shielding Mark from view. More patties flew.

Mikey: "Jesus fucking Christ, how many hamburgers are left over??? Where the hell are they coming from?"

[hysterical laughter comes from across the patio]

Mikey: "K, are they getting them out of the trash?"
K: "I don't know shit. I didn't do anything."
Mikey: "YOU MUST HAVE SEEN SOMETHING!"

[more hysterical laughter. Thanks for leaving me to swing in the breeze, guys.]

K: [runs away, and into the house for another drink]

A drunken Jojo decided to come clean.


Jojo: "Mikey, there is meat on your roof."
Mikey: "WHAT?"
Jojo: "Yeah, there's at least one patty up there, probably 2."
Mikey: "You're fucking kidding me, right."
Jojo: [thinks for a moment] "Yes. I am fucking with you."
Mikey: "Good fucking thing. How the hell would I get that shit down?" [walks away relieved]
Jojo: [doubles over with laughter]


Since the cat was out of the bag at that point, I sat down and talked to his girlfriend Amy, who was too drunk to care about rotting meat on her roof. Mikey was within earshot, drowning his new homeowner sorrows in Beer Pong.


K: "So do you think birds would take it away?"
Amy: "I don't know...probably...maybe squirrels?"
K: "But aren't squirrels vegan? They eat nuts and shit."
Amy: "Yeah...you're probably right. Raccoons?"
K: "You know, I bet a good rainstorm will wash them right off the roof."
Amy: "But what if they get stuck in the gutters?"
K: "Good point. They'd probably rot in there. The maggots would take care of it."

Mikey: "Would you two shut the fuck up? This isn't funny!"
K & Amy: [hysterical laughter]
Mikey: "Seriously, do I have meat on my roof? Fuck, this sucks."


Shortly thereafter, the visiting dog (belonging to one of the guests) decided to have diarrhea in the middle of his perfect lawn. Her stomach must have been upset from all of the leftover meat she managed to snag during the course of the night. Everyone except Mikey found this to be hilarious.


K: "His house will be trashed by dawn at the rate you guys are going."
Jojo: "It's just like a COLLEGE party!!! YAY!"
Mikey: [yelling] "YEAH, IN COLLEGE NONE OF US ACTUALLY OWNED THE HOUSES THAT GOT TRASHED."


Once the meat was no longer available, the guys took to trying to take pictures of the dog's ass.


Dave: "This is gonna be my Christmas card this year."
Pete: "ARE YOU MOLESTING MY DOG?"
Dennis: "Hang on dude, I'll lift her leg." [lifts dog's leg]
Dave: "Oh yeah, there's my money shot!" [click click]
K: "What the fuck are you doing to that dog?"
Dave: "Christ, I can't get a good angle..." [click click]
K: "Dude, she's not Jenna Haze, she's a dog, what do you expect?"


We left shortly after that. You know it's time to go when the only amusement is taking pictures of a dog's butt. I don't think Mikey will be having people over again any time soon.