$%@#$^%$

This has been a week for the record books. NOTHING has gone right, from the very minor to the quite major. Allow me to give a run-down of the various people/products/situations that have fucked with my very being within the last few days:


Clean & Clear Morning Burst Face Wash


I bought this bottle of face cleanser a few months ago, and never got a chance to use it, as I had a stash of another kind of cleanser that I was working through. Girls do this, you see; they find this cute little novel product and buy it, knowing that they have no current use for it, but that it might just be the perfect thing to have down the road. Yes, we are retarded.

I ran out of my stand-by cleanser, and grabbed this as I was getting into the shower tonight, a shower that I was really looking forward to, as it has been sticky and humid all week and I was feeling pretty gross. As you can see, the packaging is quite pleasing to the eye; it's a lovely peachy-orange type color, with these little microbeads that are supposed to BURST open while you're washing, releasing ginseng and vitamin E and rays of sunshine or some shit. I bought this right around the time that Bobber gave me my new blog template (complete with floating orange), so of course I was strangely drawn to it. I was rather excited to finally get to use it, so I stepped into the shower and proceeded to attempt to open it.

You know how anything with a pump dispenser requires that you twist the thing to get the pump to pop up? Well, this type of dispenser has been my nemesis from waaaaaay back...seems every time I get a bottle of something, I have trouble getting the pump to pop, and my little bottle of bursting sunshine was no exception. There I stood, with soapy hands, trying to twist this motherfucker open...all I managed to do was twist the entire top right off. Cursing like a sailor, and in a moment of pure desperation (my pores were just full of oil from all the humidity, I HAD TO CLEAN MY FUCKING FACE or I was going to go ballistic), I stuck my finger in and scooped some out. The god-forsaken dispenser is still sitting in my shower, unopened, mocking me from it's place in the shower caddy. Oh, and that little divot under my nose got a little too much of the popping bead action, and is currently burning every time I exhale through my nose. Fuck.


Rolaids Soft Chews

On Wednesday morning, I had the telltale signs of severe acid indigestion, so I high-tailed it to Walgreens for something to dull the pain. I had intended to buy Zantac, but the Rolaids Vanilla Softchews sang to me from the shelf below. Fast-acting, non-chalky, and tasting like a chunk of vanilla frosting, I was singing its praises half an hour after I took it when I released enough gas to put my husband to shame.

If one is good...two must be better, right? Eager to taste vanilla goodness again (and to help relieve the rest of the pressure in my aching intestines), I took another one.

I spent the following 2 days on or close to the toilet with the worst diarrhea I've had since the last time I had the flu. Coincidence? I think not. Damn you, Soft Chews...damn you...


Barnes & Noble Teacher Discount

Being an educator, I am eligible for a free Barnes & Noble discount card that is supposed to be good for 20% off of classroom materials and books. I rarely use it, but I needed a book about teaching writing ($32.99), so I grabbed said book and produced my discount card at the register.

Guy: "That'll be $32.99."
K: "I have a discount card. I gave it to you."
Guy: "Is this for use in the classroom?"
K: "It's for teaching writing. So yeah."
Guy: "Right, right...oops, the publisher classifies this as a textbook, rendering it ineligible for the discount. SORRY!"
K: [swears under breath, hands over the $33 bucks]
Guy: "You can purchase a Barnes & Noble rewards card for 10% off. It's only $40 a year!"
K: "That's ok! I'll just go to Borders next time. Thanks though!"

Unemployment Benefits

As I stated in my previous post, personnel and the unemployment office are fucking with my head. It will be three weeks until I can even appeal any decision. Rotten fuckers. I'm actually considering going back to the dark side of the business world rather than pander to these bastards down at the school department. Ass-kissing is just not in my blood, and I can't have a family and be in such an insecure job situation. Pounding the pavement is always full of blog-worth material, so we'll see how that goes.


Die Volvo...DIE

The family truckster has PMS. We just got the thing out of the shop, which I hoped would be its first step to that big bowl of Swedish meatballs in the sky, but the fucker momentarily bounced back from what we thought was a troublesome head gasket. On my way home from Marshall's this evening, all kinds of lights started coming on and my speedometer started bouncing all over the place. "Finally...FINALLY it will die. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!" I thought to myself as I pulled in the driveway. Turns out it's just a fuckin' sensor. This car is slowly sucking what is left of my youth right out of me. I said my whole life, "I will never drive a Volvo station wagon," and look at me now. I might as well buy some Mom Jeans and be done with it.


Demonic Children

There's been in-fighting, shit painting, jumping on beds, general disobedience, refrigerator raiding...you name it, Mommy has knocked back a Mike's to counteract the effects of it. Youngest Child even managed to knock one of his broken bones back out of alignment by running and jumping around like a maniac, despite our repeated pleas to play quietly.



I'm going out in the city tomorrow night, and plan to get exceedingly drunk. Hell, I may even start in the early afternoon. Stay tuned for the recap of that mess.

Confirmed Loser

My die hard readers will remember my elation at having secured a teaching position for the school year, as well as my disappointment when I was told that my current school would not have a job for me next year. Well today, the saga continues.


I was at a training (I'm taking 2 grad classes and have attended 3 trainings on top of that so far) and was talking with a woman who is in a similar position, only she's been in this position for several years. She asked if I'd gotten my "letter of reasonable assurance" yet, and of course I had no idea what she was talking about. As it turns out, this piece of paper prevents one from collecting unemployment during the summer months. I told her I'd gotten no such letter, and she snickered. "You'll get it this week. Trust me."


Lo' and behold, what did I come home to but a letter from personnel in my mailbox. "Reasonable assurance" that I might have a job as a long term substitute next year, which could be a job that lasts anywhere from 2 months to the entire school year. Apparently, there is a loophole for the school department written right into state law.


I am so bullshit right now I can't even see straight. It's not MY fault I'm unemployed! I applied to work summer school, and was denied due to budget cuts. I've been applying all over the region, but won't get calls back until at least August because all these bastards at the school departments don't work during the month of July. I can't go back to the hellhole just yet because I MIGHT get called back to work in the fall.


How are people supposed to live like this? This is just one reason why more quality people don't bother becoming teachers. Letters of "reasonable assurance" certainly don't pay the bills.

Broken

Youngest Child decided to up and break his arm last night. He was in his brother's room, hanging from the railing of the top bunk, and had a not so soft landing. He snapped the two bones in his forearm clear in half...his wrist was hanging off completely. We called an ambulance and I had to hold him down while he screamed.

We go to the hospital and were questioned over and over again as to how it happened. I understand that they have to do these things, but we were in no condition to be pestered. They sedated him, gave his arm a few yanks (he screamed bloody murder), and he's now in a soft cast and resting not so comfortably on the couch.




He was rather entertaining after the sedation started to wear off...like a miniature, rather belligerent, drunk with a heavy New England accent.


YC: [yelling] "MUMMA!"
K: "What, baby?"
YC: [still yelling] "WOOK! IS FIXED!"
K: "Yes honey, the doctor did a good job."
YC: "WHERESA DOCTA? TANK YOU! GOOOOO JOB, DOCTA!"


Tomorrow he goes in for his hard cast, just in time for his 4th birthday. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...he's going to be the one to give me gray hair. Please keep him in your thoughts, he's in a good amount of pain and just doesn't completely understand what's happened.

I suck. I admit.

I haven't updated in like 2 weeks or some shit like that. With the school year coming to a close, I'm doing a lot of running around and am sadly not left with a ton of "me time." School is out Tuesday (would have been Friday if not for that motherfucking flood. My basement is still flooding every time it rains because the ground is so saturated) and I shall have far more time to post of my adventures then.


For now, I leave you with this: Foamy Calls Tech Support. I've linked Foamy before, and frankly, I love him deeply.

Fundraiser

Jerseylite is a really great company. Their candles are cheaper than Yankee, but just as richly scented. A fundraiser is being run in Sherry's name, so if anyone would like to order some really great candles and help out a family in need at the same time, just follow the link and instructions below.

Normally, I would never post something like this, but I figured even if a couple of people order, then it will help out. :)

~~~

Dear Friends and family of Sherry Honeycutt;

We are holding a candle fundraiser for the purpose of raising money to help Sherry after a devastating fire took the life of one of her precious 7 yr old twins this past weekend and left Sherry in critical condition. They also lost everything in their house and had no health insurance or renter's insurance. We would like to ask for your support. We have partnered with JerseyLite Candle, a company with a reputation for quality, respectability, and great customer service.

They have a terrific Internet fundraising program called Raise-it-Online...no order forms and you can use your credit/debit cards!! We encourage you to buy online and invite your friends and family to do the same. There are a wide variety of scents and candle styles including jars, votives,tarts, tea lights, and much more!

Here's what you do:

1. Go to the JerseyLite website: www.jerseylitecandle.com

2. Click "Start Shopping" and choose whatever products interest you.

3. During the Check Out process you will be prompted to enter our group's FUN CODE, along with your mailing address and payment information. Your order will be processed quickly and shipped directly to you. Shipping is free for any order of $50.00 or more. Orders less than $50.00 will be charged a flat rate of $5.00.

Our FUN CODE is: SH606

Please order between May 31 and June 7th so that the Honeycutt's receive credit for the sale. This Fundraiser ENDS June 7th, so hurry and get your orders in TODAY!

Please forward this to all your friends, family members and neighbors. Every little bit helps!!