$%@#$^%$

This has been a week for the record books. NOTHING has gone right, from the very minor to the quite major. Allow me to give a run-down of the various people/products/situations that have fucked with my very being within the last few days:


Clean & Clear Morning Burst Face Wash


I bought this bottle of face cleanser a few months ago, and never got a chance to use it, as I had a stash of another kind of cleanser that I was working through. Girls do this, you see; they find this cute little novel product and buy it, knowing that they have no current use for it, but that it might just be the perfect thing to have down the road. Yes, we are retarded.

I ran out of my stand-by cleanser, and grabbed this as I was getting into the shower tonight, a shower that I was really looking forward to, as it has been sticky and humid all week and I was feeling pretty gross. As you can see, the packaging is quite pleasing to the eye; it's a lovely peachy-orange type color, with these little microbeads that are supposed to BURST open while you're washing, releasing ginseng and vitamin E and rays of sunshine or some shit. I bought this right around the time that Bobber gave me my new blog template (complete with floating orange), so of course I was strangely drawn to it. I was rather excited to finally get to use it, so I stepped into the shower and proceeded to attempt to open it.

You know how anything with a pump dispenser requires that you twist the thing to get the pump to pop up? Well, this type of dispenser has been my nemesis from waaaaaay back...seems every time I get a bottle of something, I have trouble getting the pump to pop, and my little bottle of bursting sunshine was no exception. There I stood, with soapy hands, trying to twist this motherfucker open...all I managed to do was twist the entire top right off. Cursing like a sailor, and in a moment of pure desperation (my pores were just full of oil from all the humidity, I HAD TO CLEAN MY FUCKING FACE or I was going to go ballistic), I stuck my finger in and scooped some out. The god-forsaken dispenser is still sitting in my shower, unopened, mocking me from it's place in the shower caddy. Oh, and that little divot under my nose got a little too much of the popping bead action, and is currently burning every time I exhale through my nose. Fuck.


Rolaids Soft Chews

On Wednesday morning, I had the telltale signs of severe acid indigestion, so I high-tailed it to Walgreens for something to dull the pain. I had intended to buy Zantac, but the Rolaids Vanilla Softchews sang to me from the shelf below. Fast-acting, non-chalky, and tasting like a chunk of vanilla frosting, I was singing its praises half an hour after I took it when I released enough gas to put my husband to shame.

If one is good...two must be better, right? Eager to taste vanilla goodness again (and to help relieve the rest of the pressure in my aching intestines), I took another one.

I spent the following 2 days on or close to the toilet with the worst diarrhea I've had since the last time I had the flu. Coincidence? I think not. Damn you, Soft Chews...damn you...


Barnes & Noble Teacher Discount

Being an educator, I am eligible for a free Barnes & Noble discount card that is supposed to be good for 20% off of classroom materials and books. I rarely use it, but I needed a book about teaching writing ($32.99), so I grabbed said book and produced my discount card at the register.

Guy: "That'll be $32.99."
K: "I have a discount card. I gave it to you."
Guy: "Is this for use in the classroom?"
K: "It's for teaching writing. So yeah."
Guy: "Right, right...oops, the publisher classifies this as a textbook, rendering it ineligible for the discount. SORRY!"
K: [swears under breath, hands over the $33 bucks]
Guy: "You can purchase a Barnes & Noble rewards card for 10% off. It's only $40 a year!"
K: "That's ok! I'll just go to Borders next time. Thanks though!"

Unemployment Benefits

As I stated in my previous post, personnel and the unemployment office are fucking with my head. It will be three weeks until I can even appeal any decision. Rotten fuckers. I'm actually considering going back to the dark side of the business world rather than pander to these bastards down at the school department. Ass-kissing is just not in my blood, and I can't have a family and be in such an insecure job situation. Pounding the pavement is always full of blog-worth material, so we'll see how that goes.


Die Volvo...DIE

The family truckster has PMS. We just got the thing out of the shop, which I hoped would be its first step to that big bowl of Swedish meatballs in the sky, but the fucker momentarily bounced back from what we thought was a troublesome head gasket. On my way home from Marshall's this evening, all kinds of lights started coming on and my speedometer started bouncing all over the place. "Finally...FINALLY it will die. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!" I thought to myself as I pulled in the driveway. Turns out it's just a fuckin' sensor. This car is slowly sucking what is left of my youth right out of me. I said my whole life, "I will never drive a Volvo station wagon," and look at me now. I might as well buy some Mom Jeans and be done with it.


Demonic Children

There's been in-fighting, shit painting, jumping on beds, general disobedience, refrigerator raiding...you name it, Mommy has knocked back a Mike's to counteract the effects of it. Youngest Child even managed to knock one of his broken bones back out of alignment by running and jumping around like a maniac, despite our repeated pleas to play quietly.



I'm going out in the city tomorrow night, and plan to get exceedingly drunk. Hell, I may even start in the early afternoon. Stay tuned for the recap of that mess.