I'd rather have coal than THIS crap...

This is the promised follow-up to my "Crappy Christmas Gifts" post from last month. I compiled data from several sources...friends, family, a couple of message boards, and my loyal readers, and this is the all-star list of truly awful gifts.

Penis-related items, as always, were hot:

• A crystal with a bulbous, reflective tip.
• A penis made out of pantyhose and cotton balls...packaged in a mason jar.
• Cock rings. From a great grandmother who thought they were napkin rings.
• A box of condoms. With 4 of the 12 pack missing.
• A sympathy card: "You have my sympathies on the length and width of your husband's penis."
  

Random "What the Fuck?" items:

• A stone gorilla reading the Wall Street Journal
• A "Little Book of Lifesavers". For a 24 year old man.
• Plastic lawn squirrel
• Scratched lottery tickets ("pre-loved")
• A 2 sizes too small flannel shirt from a department store that's been out of business for 15 years.
  

"I got a sweater with a black lab on it one time. I sold it to a Mexican at a yard sale."

• A mouse that sits behind a tiny grand piano and plays Christmas music. Again, for a grown man.
• A pull cart for golf clubs. Never mind that the guy had three, his mother in law said that the ones he was using "didn't match his bag".
• Fifty $1 bills in a bucket of popcorn kernels. I thought my jar was annoying, this guy actually had to DIG to find the cash.
• A bag of sugar and a bag of flour
• An initial sweater with the letter "I"...for a girl named Lisa.
  

Just plain gross:

• A moldy, half-empty box of tampons
• Giant sanitary napkins...like the kind you use after you have a baby
• Homemade jam, in leaky relish jars
• Used & tarnished 80's junk jewelry
• Dead bird. Someone forgot to cut air holes in the wrapping paper...
• Giant balls of soap, made out of tiny slivers of USED soap.
  

Thankfully, there is balance in nature...and for those who got screwed, there is still a chance to get what you wanted at the January clearance sales. I mean, I just got collapsible Rubbermaid food storage containers at Wally World for a buck each. It doesn't get any better than that.