Charles the Ladies' Man

As you may recall, Charles is a new employee at my workplace who is a little off, to say the least. Honestly, I had hoped he would have quit by now, but unfortunately he's too stupid to realize that the job sucks and that he'll probably never be good at it anyway. To everyone's surprise, he's approaching his fourth week of employment. Go figure.

Anyway, all of our trainees get one-on-one supervision for their first week, and that task was left to Rachel, the other female trainer. I begged my supervisor NOT to put Rachel alone in a trailer with Charles. I mean, after his "where the bitches at?" declaration, I didn't think it would be a good idea to stick him on Rachel. Of course nobody ever listens to me, so it was Charles & Rachel for 5 days of hell.

Charles is a "close talker". Pair that up with body odor, the occasional twitch and his affinity for bitches, and you've got some pretty freaky shit. He consistently worked at half speed, leaving Rachel to clean up his packages while he stared at her ass. When he WAS working, he'd turn the package over and over, shake it, talk to it, and try to figure out what was inside. Rachel got fed up and pulled Charles aside to review his production for the week.

R: "Charles, you're loading 80 packages an hour."
C: "Wow, that's purty good."
R: "No, actually, it's not. You need to be at around 160 packages per hour."
C: "Well that's an awful lot."
R: "It sure is. So you need to step it up. Now."

Charles stepped in close, close enough that Rachel could tell he'd had pot roast for dinner. Ugh.

C: "Do you find this amuuuuzin'?"
R: "Yeah, actually, I do."
C: "Why's that?"
R: "Because you're about the laziest person I've ever met, that's why. Get back to work."
C: "Are you a single gal?"
R: "That's really none of your business."

[Charles loads packages for a few minutes, stops]

C: "Can you get me some of them new fangled anti-anxiety pills?"
R: "WHAT?"
C: "You know, so I could con-cen-trate a little better."
R: "Really can't help you there, pal, sorry."

[loads some more. stops again.]

C: "Rachel, how old are you?"
R: "23."
C: "Well I'm 31. Am I too old for ya?"
R: "I don't date people at work."
C: "I wasn't talkin' 'bout datin'..." [winks]
R: [runs out of the trailer]

This was enough to convince the boss to put a male trainer in with Charles. Next up: Pat, known as being the kind of guy who can convince the shittiest of new hires to quit.

C: "What happened to Rachel?"
P: "She's working with another new employee."
C: "Well that's too baaayaad. I think she kinda liked me."
P: "Uh huh."

[Charles loads for a while. stops.]

C: "You know where I can find some women 'round these here parts?"
P: "What kinda women you lookin' for, Charles?"
C: "Well, you know...loose bitches. I kinda like them Spanish ones."
P: "So you want a prostitute?"
C: "I'd rather have one fer free."
P: "I don't think you'll have too much luck with that, Charles."
C: "How 'bout that Rachel? What's her last name?" [side note: Rachel is Portuguese, hence she has a Portuguese last name. It was at this point that Pat decided to fuck with Charles.]
P: "It's Rodriguez." [first Spanish name that came to mind. what a dick.]
C: "Ooooohhhh...so she's Spanish. She loose?"
P: "I don't know, Charles, but I'll find out."

Since that night, he's been asking all over the building for Rachel. When I told her that Pat was the one who had led Charles to believe that she was just the loose Spanish bitch that he was looking for, she got him back by hitting him in the nuts with a 40 pound box.


Charles stays with his "Ant", whom he has described as a "real bitch" because she'd like for him to pay rent and pick up around the house. Can you imagine? Every night, she insists that he call home when he leaves work at 3:30 in the morning...why, I have no idea...but every night without fail, he comes to the supervisor's office to use the phone.

Last night, he bypassed the phone and came straight over to me. I kept staring at my paperwork and hoped he'd go away.

C: "Ha there."
K: "Hi Charles."
C: "I was wonderin'...do you think you could get on the phone and tell ma Ant that I'm gonna be needed to work on Sunday?" [we work Monday-Friday only]
K: "Huh? Why?"
C: "Well, she's a real bitch, and I'd like an excuse to get away for a while."
K: "Ummm..." [looks over at boss who, instead of saving me from said situation, is too busy turning red as he holds in laughter]
K: "Uh, boss...any thoughts on this one???" [I give him my "You'd better do something about this, you fucker" death glare]
B: "Uh, yeah Charles, stop asking my supervisors to talk to your Ant. We can't do that." [apparently, I was the fourth one that he'd asked]

At that point, Charles took his leave, but not before asking another male supervisor where he could find "a lady friend for the evenin'."

I have a feeling this won't be the last I write about this yahoo.