Where the bitches at?

Each week, I get a fresh batch of new hires to break in at work. I've had some pretty interesting characters; one guy, for example, was schizophrenic, and would literally have conversations with himself in the middle of class. I start each class week thinking I've seen it all, but without fail, some nut will prove me wrong.

My group this week consists of 7 guys. Each week, I show the class videos covering hazardous materials compliance, safety regulations, and job methods. It is also my duty to give them a shake when they pass out and start drooling on the table. One employee normally sticks out as the resident freak, and this week that freak is Charles.

Charles is originally from Texas with the slow drawl to prove it. The first hint that he was a bit off was when he was filling out his paperwork and couldn't remember his zip code. This wasn't much of a red flag, however, because as I walked around the room, I disovered that another guy couldn't even spell his own name. He wrote "Big Willi" on his W-4, then went back and added a y, making him known to the IRS as "Big Williy".

It was clear that Big Williy was really gunning for "Least Likely to Succeed" honors. His new employee questionnaire was an absolute disaster, showcasing the fruits of his second grade education:

Because = Becous
Loader = Loudr
Unloader = Inloudr
People = Peoull
Hours = Howrs
Shift = Cshiffed

I will try to snag a copy of his questionnaire and post it later, it's really bad.

Normally, I am not one to make fun of the illiterate, but this guy listed his hobbies as "street racing in [K's hometown]" and "hangin owt on tha corna wif my homeboys", which tells me that he not only illegally drag races past MY house, but that he probably sells drugs to the kids at the bus stop as well. Fuck this guy, he's fair game.

Unfortunately, Big Williy didn't come back for a second day of punishment, leaving the "Freak of the Week" title wide open for Charles, who seemed up to the task. Charles started out day two by wiping his nose on his sleeve an average of 30 times per hour (even when I put a tissue box in front of him, he didn't take the hint) and using a ladies' sweater as a blankie to keep warm. At break time, he stood up and addressed the class.

C: "I was just a-wonderin'...how many of y'all are church goin' folk?"
Class: [silence]
K: "Weddings and funerals, man, that's about it"
C: "Well I've recently rediscovered Jesus Christ, and..."
K: "Is that BREAK? I think I just heard the buzzer go off for break. 10 minutes people!"
Class: [hauls ass out the door]

When the class came back from break, he decided to make the married guy in the class his next victim.

C: "So how long you been married?"
M: "5 years."
C: "When I get married, it'll be to a lady from my church. Someday."
M: "Sounds like a plan."
C: "Nobody seems to have any morals these days...livin' in sin, drugs and al-kee-hall..."
M: [excuses himself to the bathroom]


Charles then turned his attention to one of the single guys in the class.

C: "So...where are the good clubs 'round these here parts?"
S: "I dunno...what are you into?"
C: "Well, you know...where the bitches at?"
K: [excuses herself so she can laugh hysterically outside the door]

One minute, he's found Jesus...the next, it's "Where the bitches at?" Classic.

Anyway, I took him and another gentleman into the room next door so that they could watch a job methods video. An hour later, I poked my head in and asked them to come back to the classroom so we could wrap up. As I walked into my class, I noticed that Charles hadn't followed, so I went back next door to see what was keeping him.

He was trying to leave the room via the closet door.

The only requirement for employment at the hellhole these days is a pulse, and I'm starting to think that the recruiters have it in for me. How dare they send me such shit, don't they know I'm supervisor of the month???