Make a liar out of me

Figures, I write this swan-song post and then I actually have a good story to tell. Whatever, I left it open that I could drop a post once in a while, so here goes.

The night before school let out, of course I was running around like a nut getting teacher gifts together. Having been a teacher myself, and knowing what my satanic spawn have most likely put their teachers through this school year, I realize that this is a very important gesture. I bought candles, gift bags, various little trinkets and cards and was putting them all together when the husband drops the bomb.

H: "What did you get the bus driver?"
K: "'scuse me?"

Now, I leave for work at the ass-crack of dawn, and never have even met this individual, but the husband is apparently quite friendly with her as she has been flexible with pickup times and is very nice to Andrew...like she actually talks to him and pretends to like him, unlike the other bus drivers with their stony faces and screechy voices. Shit shit shit...it was 10pm, and I was just about to hit the sack at a decent hour for a change, but we can't skip the damned bus driver so out I went in search of Dunkin Donuts gift cards. I needed to get gas anyway, so two birds with one stone and what not.

I stop at the gas station closest to my house, and find myself unable to purchase gas due to a "pin number error." Fuck...now, I could just use my credit card, but I'm stubborn and decided that I would just hit another gas station on the way home from Dunkins. I drive across the street and walk in, determined not to be one of those lazy motherfuckers who sits in drive-thru for no good reason.

Our Dunkins is also a Baskin Robbins on the other side, and this particular night the Dunkins' side had a big sign that said "THIS SIDE CLOSED." So I walk over to the Baskin Robbins side, only to find 3 chicks standing around ordering ice cream.

Chick1: "What flavor should I get?"
Chick2: "Girl, the strawberry swirl is off tha HOOK."
Chick1: [to the girl behind the counter] "How big is a small?"
Girl: [holds up small cone]
Chick1: "What about the waffle cone?"
Girl: [holds up waffle cone]
Chick1: "They the same price?"
Girl: "No, waffle cone is more."
Chick1: "But why? You still gettin' one scoop either way."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw 3 guys in Tae Kwon Do uniforms practicing their moves on each other. One of them knocked over the metal napkin holder on the counter, sending it flying across my feet. Time to go.

During all the time I spent by the ice cream counter, I saw someone working drive-thru. Sweet. I storm out of there, heading to my car, only to push the glass door on the side that doesn't open, sending me bouncing off of it like a ping pong ball. Fuck. Fuck. The ice cream bitches snickered at my misfortune. I silently cursed them to wear their strawberry swirl on their already considerable thighs for the rest of their lives. Out to the car.

I got in and started pulling around the building, only to find that the Dunkins parking lot is apparently the local hangout for the suburban kids who are too young to buy booze. I sat behind a Crown Victoria (obviously Daddy's car) with a teenager leaning into the passenger side window for a solid 2 minutes, increasingly ready to jump out and beat the fuck out of the driver as each second passed. Finally, there was room to go around, and I had to restrain myself not to mow one of these little fucks down. Into drive-thru...

I ordered the gift cards, and the chick at the window looked very, very confused. Oh man. They always put the new staff on the night shift, I should have known better. Fuuuuuuuck.

Window Chick: "So, 2 gift cards?"
K: "Yes please."
Window Chick: "5 dollars each?"
K: "Yes."
Window Chick: [tapping away, beeping can be heard]
Window Chick: "5 dollars...that's five-zero-zero, right?"
K: "I'm pretty sure, yeah."
Window Chick: [more beeping, receipts flying out of the machine, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]

10 minutes later, I had gift cards. To this moment, I don't know if she even did it right, I probably gave the bus driver gift cards that aren't even activated. That would be just my luck.

Now all I needed was gas. Gas, and I could go home and go to bed. Finally.

I pulled into the 2nd gas station, and saw signs on the pumps. No, God, please God no...

"WE ARE OUT OF PREMIUM AND PLUS. SORRY!"

Per my husband, I am not allowed to put anything below plus into my car. So I couldn't get gas. What the FUCK kind of gas station runs out of PREMIUM and PLUS with gas prices being the way they are? Who the FUCK can afford PREMIUM and PLUS right now??? And you're SORRY??? Yeah, you'll be fucking SORRY when I come back with a fucking GUN because you bastards won't give me the gas I want... Swearing and beating the steering wheel, I headed to the convenience store to pick up milk and bread, which is the standard stop that I make almost daily to keep my bottomless-pitted children fed.

I walked in, and of course there's only one guy working so late at night, and I've got one of those fuckers who stands at the counter scratching tickets and ordering more with the winnings. 5 minutes I stood there. I was actually shaking and feeling very, very violent by that point. I just wanted to go to bed, and this son of a bitch with his $20 lottery tickets was standing in my way. He's lucky I wasn't armed.

I walked into the house at 11:30. Over an HOUR to get milk, bread, Dunkins, and gas that I never even ended up getting. I was red in the face and sweating, and the husband was looking at me like I was a crazy person. I ranted to him about the entire experience, finished up the cards and bags and went to bed all worked up.

I didn't get to sleep for another hour. And I knew I still had to get up early to get gas.