Dear Readers,

It's been nearly 2 years since I started this blog, almost 400 posts full of reflection, observation, and some often nonsensical crap that has no place on the Internet or anywhere else. I started it during a time in my life when everything was terribly confusing, a time when I needed an outlet badly enough that I chose to pour every thought in my twisted little brain out onto the web for strangers to peruse. I was 27, questioning everything in my life and everything I thought I'd ever believed in, all the things I'd ever held to be absolutely true...it was all up in the air, and I was searching for some magical thing that would turn my life into something that would finally make sense, something I could finally feel proud of.

2 years later, I feel no closer to that magical thing. I'm in a different career, but not one that I feel the least bit good about (though my paycheck is quite a bit larger than it was 2 years ago...remember, this side of 2 years ago I was slinging packages at UPS). I've made a few new friends, but none I couldn't live without. I'm a little smarter, perhaps a bit wiser, and have even sprouted a few gray hairs to match.

My children are thriving, and I'm starting to think that maybe I haven't fucked them up too bad after all. 2 years ago, Cameron had just been diagnosed with Autism (which he seems to be outgrowing, thank GOD), Andrew still wasn't talking much or progressing academically, and Brandon's behavior issues were just starting to escalate...so in that area of my life, I can say there's been definite progress. Really, that's what's most important, and as far as the "legacy" that I will leave behind, they are and will continue to be my proudest accomplishment. Everything else is trivial. If they're ok, then nothing else matters.

The kids are out of school as of today, and my heart is just aching because this will be the first summer that I won't be there for them during the day. It doesn't feel right. I'm praying that this will be the first and only summer that I have to be away from them. I know they'll be well cared for and will have a ton of fun without me, but I hate it all the same.


My marriage is good, too. I'm married to someone who makes me laugh every day and who would lay down in front of a train for me and the kids, so again, what more can you ask for? I'm lucky. The husband is a good doobie. There aren't many like him.

In spite of these "good" things, I'm still terribly disappointed in myself as a person, and I'm starting to think that maybe I'll never get to a place where I'm content with myself and my accomplishments. Perhaps my expectations are too lofty, but at the same time I feel they should be. A professor of mine once said, "You're either green and growing, or you're ripe and rotting." Personally, I'd rather not rot, but at the same time I'd rather not be dousing myself with pesticides in order to grow into the nice tall vine that I wish I could be. Perhaps climbing the trellis isn't for me; maybe I should stick close to the ground and end up growing into a nice healthy shrub.

For now, I'm staying in my job, but actively looking to greener pastures. I won't make any rash decisions, but my plans for the long term definitely do not include my current employer. I'm hoping to go back to teaching, not this year, but the following year at the latest. The husband has some prospects on the horizon that could allow me to do just that, so fingers crossed that it works out. I miss it so much; when I was teaching, it was the one time in my life that I actually felt like I was accomplishing something. I need to get back to that place. I wasn't meant to be a cubicle warrior.

So here I am, 2 years later, better off in some ways and worse off in others...I suppose this is normal, the ebb and flow that is life, but I'd truly hoped to be further along in the life plan than I am. At the same time, I don't feel the inner conflict that I had when I started this thing, hence I don't feel the need or have the inspiration to write as regularly as I used to. Even when I have a good story, the words don't come as easily as they used to, probably because I work full time and don't have the hours that I used to have to put my thoughts into type. Perfectionist that I am, if I don't have the time to dedicate, I simply won't do it.

Anyway, if anything major changes, I'll drop a post. Otherwise, I don't think I'll be stopping in much any more. To my few loyal contributors, I thank you for "listening" when I really needed it, and for putting up with my increasing absences and decreasing post quality. You rock. And you helped me more than you'll ever know.