Shit that makes me cry

I don't consider myself a "girly girl" by any means. I'm not a fan of pink, makeup is a nuisance, I have a filthy mouth and I feel that high heels are a tangible incarnation of the devil himself. In spite of my lifelong resistance to being delicate, I do find that there are certain things that inevitably turn me into a quivering pile of sobbing mush, despite my best efforts at being a bad-ass.


Eulogies

Even if I never met the stiff in the casket in my LIFE, the eulogy will always force me to fuck up my rarely-applied makeup.


The Mad Elephant Jail Scene in Dumbo

You know the part where the poor mama elephant is locked up, and she sticks her trunk out to rock Dumbo, and "Baby of Mine" is playing in the background...


OH MY GOD, I can't even handle it. I put Dumbo on for the kids to watch earlier, and I walked into the room only to see the trunk coming out of the bars. I actually turned on my heel and ran out of the room. And those fucking BITCH elephants that made fun of poor little Dumbo...even as a small child I wished death and destruction upon their wrinkly asses. To this day, when I see circus elephants, I think of that and involuntarily wonder if they're good elephants or bitch elephants. It just goes to show that Disney movies really can have quite a profound effect on your view of the world as an adult.


Seeing My Dad Cry

I could watch my crazy mother sob all day long and barely bat an eye, but if my Dad turns on the waterworks, holy shit, I start bawling like a baby. I think seeing men cry in general is far more emotional than seeing women cry, since we do it all the fucking time. You know if a dude wells up, it's gotta be really, really bad. Like "balls in a vice" bad. Poor bastard. Someone get that man a lapdance.


Kodak Commercials

Those motherfuckers at the ad agency really know what they're doing when they put together a Kodak Commercial. It's like they tweak it over and over again until they've got the focus group huddled together on couches, clutching their kleenex and sobbing "OH MY GOD, that's so beautiful...WAAAAAAAAA!" Ok, now it's perfect, send it to the client. Cha CHING!


Lifetime Movies

You know when you're sitting on the couch on a Saturday afternoon, and there's nothing on TV but infomercials, reality television, bad 80's movies and Lifetime movies. The actors are B-list, the dialog is poorly written, and the subject matter is trite...but goddamn it, when that teen mother turns her baby over to the nice childless couple because she knows it's what's best for him, I'm doubled over with tears streaming down my face. And let's not forget the rape victim who finally musters up the courage to testify, and the middle aged woman who finds love after her fucknut of a husband leaves her for his 22 year old blonde secretary...all heroines. All capable of turning my face into a swollen punching bag. Bravo, ladies, bravo.


Back in the day, when I was popping antidepressants like they were tic tacs, I never cried at all. I was numb, like if my house was burning down around me I'd take a look and calmly say, "Wow, this kind of sucks." It just wasn't right, like I was holding something in that needs to be vented in order to maintain homeostasis (kinda like farting, I guess), so I stopped taking them. Now I'm a raging lunatic, but dammit, it's my God-given right to cry when I watch Dumbo and Zoloft ain't gonna take that away from me.