Thank-You Letters

Dear Aunt C:

Thank you for torturing me this past week. Watching my Grampa die apparently wasn't hard enough, as you felt the need to nitpick my every reaction. I rubbed his foot and you told me I should stop because it was causing his leg to twitch a bit. You took off the whole morning on that last day, and you yelled at me when I called as we were waiting on you to discontinue life support. Fuck this, fuck that, blah blah blah...now I can't go to the bank and clean out Grampa's safe deposit box, fine, I'll fucking come back right now [click]. Thank you for remembering what was really important: his stuff. God knows we'd all try to take it from you if you didn't get to it first.

I was particularly moved by your "constructive criticism" of me the first time he stopped breathing. Remember? You told me it was my fault he didn't die right then because he wasn't going to move on if he was still hearing my voice. I looked upon him and cried after he was gone and you told me to knock it off. Every emotion I had, you critiqued. Thank you for being there to remind me that nothing I did was right. Next time somebody near and dear to me dies, I'll remember you and try to do better.

Rot in Hell,
K



Dear Aunt S:

Thank you for calling me while my Grampa was gasping for his last breaths to get directions to a good restaurant. I'm glad you ate so well while you were here...God knows you kept the local restaurants and liquor stores afloat with all of your patronage! Also, I wanted to say that starting a fight with Aunt C at the Chinese place and driving her to throw terriyaki at me was quite entertaining! Genius really, bravo...oh, and thank you for bitching behind everyone's back, and going on about how you'll be contesting the will. I don't know what I would have done without you.

Kiss Kiss,
K



Dear Mom:

Thanks for not showing up to your own father's wake, and leaving me to fill your place in the receiving line and explain to everyone why you weren't there. I didn't expect you to be there to support me, and I deeply appreciate you proving me right. I'm sure Grampa didn't mind, I mean he's already dead so who cares, right?

Wishing You Were Normal,
K


Dear Great Aunt L and Uncle J:

Thank you so much for bringing a level of sanity and grace to a situation where there was so little. I wished every day that our family could have been more like yours, and that Grampa could have had a marriage like yours instead of the craziness & infidelity he ended up with. I bet you don't make your kids go to a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day. God bless.

Hoping You'll Adopt Me,
K



Dear Grampa:

I love you and miss you terribly, and I'm so sorry that we're all completely insane. We mean well. We're just...retarded. I sincerely hope you're in a better place in death, and not surrounded by crazy bitches as you were in life. Just know that I wanted better for you, even if I didn't have the power to make it right.

Love Always,
K