Feel the love, people.

Grandma Hooters is currently in rehab and has improved. She is most likely permanently paralyzed on her left side, but she's feeding herself and her speech is better every day. We'll see how much functionality she gets back, but it's looking like nursing home city for her. She suffered a major setback a couple of weeks ago when her youngest son, Marty, died. He was mentally disabled (in state care) and couldn't bounce back from his latest bout with pneumonia. Needless to say, the month of January super sucked for our family.

My uncle Ed, her oldest son, is a bit of a whacko, and hasn't dealt well with all the recent events. He's turned to religion, which is interesting considering what a heathen he's been these last 50 years or so. He's at the local church nightly, getting stuff blessed, lighting candles, praying, reading Bible passages...then he goes home and rubs the giant Buddha he has sitting by his pool. I figure he's either confused or just trying to cover all angles. But anyway...

The day Marty died, he showed no emotion and basically walked out of the hospital without saying a word, which seriously worried my Dad. He called home to my aunt to see what Ed was doing:

D: "Eileen, what's he doing now?" [listens] "He's doing what??? Jesus Christ, keep an eye on him, something's not right." [hangs up]
K: "What?"
D: "He's pulling out the couches and vacuuming underneath."
K: [stares] "Are you shitting me?"
D: "Ed's never cleaned a day in his life. Something is seriously wrong with him."

Eileen called back a couple of hours later to inform us that Ed had pitched all the furniture out the front door because it was dirty. He was later seen praying to his Buddha in the backyard.

Every time he's at the rehab, he starts going on about stuff like how he lit 60 candles at the church the other day (2 bucks a pop, you do the math) and prayed for all us bastards even though we don't deserve it. He had a tenuous relationship with Gram long before all of this occurred, and lately it's just no better. They both like to stir up shit from the past, and it gets pretty uncomfortable for others in the room when they start going at it. Worse, Eddie can never understand a word she says.

E: "Ma, I gotta go to work."
G: "Figomheyoudoncamanway."
E: "Hey mumbles, speak up."
K: "She said 'Fine, go ahead, you don't care anyway'."
E: "How the hell do you know?"
K: "You get used to it after a while."
E: "What do you mean I don't care?"
G: "Youmdribyhosnevermmstpnevercad."
E: [looks at me]
K: [sighs] "You'd drive by the house, never stopped, never cared."
E: "THAT'S NOT TRUE, MA."
G: "Yaritismmedyousomubich."
K: "Yeah it is you son of a bitch."
E: "YOU WANNA BRING UP SHIT FROM THE PAST, MA?"
G: "Yehbringiton." [no translation required]
E: "You always loved Tom [K's Dad] better."
G: "Yoummkidyafadasass."
K: "You kissed your father's ass."
E: "WELL YOU WEREN'T KISSING MINE, THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE."
G: "Yurhatfu."
K: "You're hateful."
E: "YOU'VE GOT EVERYONE FOOLED INTO THINKING YOU'RE SOME SWEET OLD LADY."
K: "Ed, can you cut the shit? Come on..."
G: "Gofyerased."
E: [looks at me]
K: [holding in laughter] "She just told you to go fry your ass."

Grandma proceeded to flip him off with her good hand. He promptly stomped out of the room, yelling about all the candles he was going to light for her.

Later, my cousin showed up, and my uncle called him.

C: "Yeah, she's still awake, still pissed at you Dad."
E: [unintelligible yelling]
G: "Tellthasumbichtofyhisass."
C: "Gram says to fry your ass. Gram, are you flipping the bird?" [laughter]
E: [more unintelligible yelling, hangs up]
C: "Wow Gram, you got him worked up."


And she started laughing hysterically.

G: "GOOD!!!"


The first couple of weeks after Gram's stroke, everyone was all nice to each other, hugging and whatnot...I guess it doesn't take long for all that novelty to wear off.


Welcome back to fried asses and obscene gestures, people...welcome back.