Craftmatic? Not quite.

I've been going to see Grandma Hooters just about every night, as has most of the rest of my family. Most nights, the nurses are actively kicking us out at 8, insisting that Gram "needs her rest" when really Gram's roommate is sick of listening to us and needs her rest. I think my Dad hopes that if we're obnoxious enough as a whole, the nursing staff will give in and get Gram a private room...but we're in week 3 or 4, so I'm pretty sure we're wasting our efforts, but tell that to the large child who is my father.

To amuse himself this evening, Dad decided to play with Gram's hospital bed.

D: "Hey, how far does this thing go?"
G: "Goesprtyhi."
D: "Well, let's see." [presses UP button, Gram starts sitting up]
G: "Tom...stopit."
D: "The straighter you sit up, the better you'll swallow, Ma." [still pressing]
G: "Jeezummchristomcutheshit!" [now sitting at 90 degree angle]
D: "How far do the legs go?" [presses other UP button]
G: [looking alarmed] "ohshit."
D: [laughing] "Wow, look at that, it's just like those commercials!"
G: [unintelligible gurgling]
K: "Dad, cut the shit, she can't breathe."
D: "Oh she's fine. Hey Ma, don't you wanna find out how flexible you are?"
G: "notfuckinprezeltom!"
D: "What's that Ma?"
K: "SHE SAID SHE'S NOT A FUCKING PRETZEL."
D: [stops pressing]
G: "samwich...feelikesamwich..."
D: "What? You hungry Ma?"
G: "PUMEDOWNYOUSUMBITCH."
K: "GODDAMNIT DAD!"

My cousin finally intervened and put the bed back into a normal position once the nurse walked in. Gram's neighbor had pushed her call button, and the nurse went over to see what she needed.

"IT'S NOT FOR ME. THEY'RE TRUSSING THAT POOR LADY UP LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY."

Something tells me she may be bunking up with someone else tomorrow.