F Christmas Anyway.

As per usual, my holidays have thus far been completely disastrous. My die-hard fans surely remember last year's debacle (available in the archives), and my family, true to form, did not disappoint in the way of shenanigans this year either.

I started writing this the day after Christmas, but have only had time to finish it this evening. I apologize to all 10 of you that still read this for the delay.

December 23rd:

Stayed up until 3am wrapping presents...but that was actually more enjoyable than usual, as I busted out a bottle of booze and got shitty while laughing uproariously at Clerks 2.

Buffalo Bill Dance


Hilarious. Mental note to get drunk again while wrapping every year from now on.

December 24th:

This year it was decided that Christmas Eve festivities would take place at my aunt' s house, as opposed to the nicotine-soaked abode of Grandma Hooters. I was pretty psyched, as Grandma's house is really, really small and even if you only spend 2 minutes standing in the doorway, you will have to wash your coat of the smoky stench as soon as you get home. Auntie's house is big, smoke-free, and has a racist African Grey Parrot for amusement. Perfect. Into the car we piled, to Auntie's house we went.

Grandma didn't show up for about 2 hours, and when she did, was she in a fucking foul mood. Everything annoyed her, from the selection of food to the color of the chair she was sitting on. She had nothing good to say, and refused to open her presents, barking at my cousin to put them in the car. The worst part was when she called the 7 year old daughter of my Godmother "a little bitch" within earshot of the kid's father because she was running around playing with the rest of the children. She only stayed for about 90 minutes, and demanded to be taken home. As the door slammed behind her, we damn near cheered, and continued on with a semi-normal family party.

By the end of the night, 2 of my kids ended up falling into the pool (thank God for those elephant covers, they ended up wet and not drowned). Thankfully, Little Bitch's mother got my kids clothes, so they didn't have to go home naked. Mental note not to leave my 20-something cousins in charge of my children ever again.

December 25th:

The kids were pretty good, they didn't drag us out of bed until about 8...yes, they are quite well trained. They tore at their presents for about an hour, completely ignored the robotic dog that cost us an arm and a leg, and then started demanding food. The husband had just finished making breakfast when the phone rang...the caller ID read "Unknown." Now, this usually means that we're a week late on the mortgage, or that somebody from India wants to sell us an extended warranty on one of our Dells, but seeing as it was Christmas I figured that couldn't be the case, so what did I do? I answered it. I fuckin' answered it. Stupid ass.

K: "Hello?"
Female Voice: "K?"
K: [silence. shit shit shit double motherfucking shit.] "Hi Mom."

As you are probably aware, I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 3 years. Long story short, she insulted my children and I basically told her to fuck herself sideways. She's blown off the "K Family Annual FA RA RA RA RA Chinese Food Extravaganza" for the last 3 years due to our falling out, but this year she apparently decided to come on down. Great. Fucking great.

You'd think that after 3 years, she'd be maybe a bit reserved in our first conversation...oh no. Guns blazing. She actually yelled at me.

Mom: "I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH MY FATHER."
K: "Uh. And?"
Mom: "HE SEEMS TO THINK I SHOULDN'T COME TO DINNER BECAUSE YOU'LL BE UPSET!"
K: "Look, I've made it clear to all involved that it doesn't bother me if you come to dinner."
Mom: "WELL THEN YOU NEED TO CALL HIM."
K: "Uh. Ok."
Mom: "AND CALL YOUR AUNT TOO, SHE DOESN'T WANT ME THERE EITHER."
K: "Uh. Ok. Just head down, I'm sure it'll be fine."
[click]

Fuck fuck fuckity motherfuck. How this became my problem I'll never know...

Aunt: "Hello?"
K: "Hi. It's K. I just talked to Mom."
Aunt: "SHE'S NOT RUINING MY FUCKING CHRISTMAS WITH HER BULLSHIT DRAMA. I'M NOT GOING."
K: "WHAT?"
Aunt: "I CAN'T BE BOTHERED."
K: "Please, don't leave me alone with her."
Aunt: "THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY. I'VE HAD IT WITH HER SHIT."
K: "Please please please..."
Aunt: [click]

Bitch! I called Grandpa...

G: "Hello?"
K: "Hi. It's K."
G: "Hey baby! How are ya?"
K: "I just heard from Mom. I guess she's coming to dinner."
G: "Oh yeah...for chrissake, she's changed her mind about 3 times in the last 24 hours..."
K: "Well I just wanna make sure that you know I'm ok with it."
G: "Well good. I did tell her that she should call you first."
K: "Ok. So I'll see you there."
G: "Goddammit, I just wanna eat some friggin' food and see my family. I don't want fighting."
K: "You won't get any from me, believe me. I think it's retarded. Bye Gramps."
G: "Bye baby." [click]

Then I tried the Aunt back, hoping she'd calmed down...fat fuckin' chance.

A: "K, I'm not going."
K: "Please. Please don't leave me alone with her. Grandpa's fine with it."
A: "I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. I'M NOT GOING."
K: "Don't do this to me."
A: "I'M OPENING PRESENTS WITH MY SON AND I'M THROUGH WITH THIS SHIT." [click]

Great. I got dressed, bid the husband and kids adieu as they headed to the father in law's house, and set off to face the music.

My Aunt ended up showing, albeit a half hour late...she just had to dig her heels in, make it clear that she wasn't pleased. As soon as she showed up, she started torturing the waitress.

A: "THIS ISN'T THE TABLE I RESERVED."
W: "Excuse me?"
A: "This table sucks. We can't hear the Christmas music, and it's too far away from the buffet. We need to move."
W: [looks at the rest of us, confused, as we already had our plates and drinks]
K: [waving her off and smiling] "We don't need to move. We're fine, really."
A: "NO WE'RE NOT."
K: [makes crazy sign behind Aunt's head] "I don't think that's necessary, do you?"
A: "YES."
K: [through gritted teeth] "If that will make you happy, fine."
A: "I'LL BE PLENTY HAPPY WHEN I'M STUFFING MY FACE FULL OF CRAB RANGOON."
K: [smiling brightly] "Believe me, I want nothing more than for your mouth to be full, Auntie."

The rest of the dinner went fine, as the Aunt got her way and had no more reason to berrate the waitress. Conversation was stilted, but we all pretended to like each other and got through it without major incident. I said goodbye to my mother, who promised to call me next week.

Fuck. I have to keep talking to her now. Son of a bitch!

I resolved to think about that tomorrow.

I left the Chinese place and headed to the father in law's house, where I managed to find some holiday spirit after polishing off the better part of a bottle of Kahlua.

Never was I so relieved for Christmas to be over as I was when I collapsed into bed that night. Next year, I'm staying home, and everyone can kiss my ass. Christmas sucks.