Random Childhood Memories, Vol. 3

1st grade:

My mom made me wear a truly horrendous plaid dress with a balloony skirt for the first day of school, and I was instantly mocked. I came home and told her that I wanted to wear plainer clothes to school, so what does she send me off in the next day? This white rabbit fur jacket my grandmother gave me with a matching muffler. A fucking rabbit fur coat. Thus began the eternal struggle of me trying to fly under the radar and my mom purposely sabotaging me.


2nd grade:

I tackled Ghengis and tried to kiss him. I don't think he looked in my direction for a solid 2 years after that. Funny thing is, he has no recollection of this event today. These days, that shit would get you suspended for a week and go on your "permanent record" as sexual assault. Hot damn, was I a bad ass or what? In retrospect, this was the first, and not the last, time that a male thought me too aggressive.

I got a bad grade on a math paper...I was so convinced that I was going to get my ass kicked that I attempted to forge my mom's signature with my newly-acquired fancy cursive handwriting. My mom called my dad to inform him of this horrible juvenile delinquence, and he started laughing hysterically. She hung up on him. Mom stopped calling Dad to inform him of my antics.

I ended up with a C in cursive, too. Ain't that a bitch. Clearly, they didn't appreciate the skillz.


3rd grade:

I skipped home with my school pictures only to get completely reamed out by my mom. Not only was I smiling like a serial killer, but I had this giant piece of hair hanging right between my eyes that neither I nor the photographer noticed. She ranted and raved and told me I'd better get my shit together for the retakes or else. I ended up missing retakes because I got pneumonia, and it was my fault I got pneumonia because I must have let some sick kid breathe on me. Clearly, I was purposely coughing & wheezing to deprive her of my 3rd grade school picture.

4th grade:

I sprouted boobs. Man did that suck. I was so jealous of the boys, why didn't anything bad ever have to happen to THEM??? Fuckers.

5th grade:

We had a class mascot that year; a bear that sat in a swivel chair at the front of the room. The resident kiss ass, Jasmine, brought the teacher a girl bear so the boy bear could get his groove on...the teacher, batshit crazy as she was, decided it wouldn't be appropriate for them to be together unless they were married. We had a whole ceremony, the kiss ass kid acted as minister, and we wheeled their chair into the closet afterwards so they could have their "honeymoon."

One day a few weeks later, we came into class to find girl bear ass up and boy bear slumped over her in their chair. This kid Steve got bagged for it, and suspended. That same year, he got in trouble for attempting to smuggle a starfish out of the aquarium in the back pocket of his jeans.

6th grade:

This was the year that testerosterone was suddenly floating in the air and the boys started getting into more trouble. We had this one hoodlum that was constantly getting suspended...I think his name was Angel, if you can fucking believe that. Anyway, one day Angel got fed up with the resident fat kid and started chasing him around the classroom. Our poor elderly English teacher, Mrs. Nelson, attempted to intervene and got her ass thrown into a barrel for her efforts. Angel was never seen again. Back then, bad kids could disappear and nobody would think anything of it.

This was also the year that we had the "tower project." Some bunch of tree hugging yahoos brought us a buttload of recycled IBM punch cards and had us build these giant structures out of them.
We were also supposed to get the towers to implode. Hell, I'm an adult now, and I sure as hell couldn't get SHIT to implode now, how the hell are a bunch of 11 year olds to accomplish such a task??? Nobody managed to do it, and the winning team only won because they built their tower against a wall and instead of falling over, it hit the wall and dropped straight down. This controversial fact was revealed when we all sat down as a class to watch the video of the day's events a few weeks later. Everyone was pissed, as the winning team had gotten an ice cream party or something. When you're 11, not getting ice cream is a big fucking deal. I would stab those cheating bastards in the eye if I ran into them today, believe you me.