Nucking Futs

Odd happenings at my job this week:

• I was walking through the break room and I saw these two 20 something guys staring intently at stacks of cards, one of them on the phone. From the seriousness of the situation, it looked like a poker game or something...upon closer inspection, I saw Yu Gi Oh cards. As I walked slowly by, trying not to completely lose my shit, I gathered that one of the guys was using some kind of card combination to beat the other guy's Grand Master Wizard of the Breakdancing Dwarfs or something...and that guy was on the phone with some other guy, trying to find out if this was a "legal" move. Grown men play Yu Gi Oh...and worse, in PUBLIC? What. The. Fuck. I'm finding out more and more about the secret lives of adult males this month, and I'm not sure I really want to know.
  

• This girl I work with was looking through some files, came across a police report, and began laughing hysterically...I walked over to see what was going on, and between gasps for breath, she pointed out the narrative of the incident: apparently, 2 "domestic partners" had a bit of a domestic dispute, and one of the guys grabbed the giant double ended dildo (the "18 inch pocket rocket" per the investigating officer), went outside and starting whaling on his boyfriend's Mini Cooper. He did about $8,000 in damage. All I could think of was that scene from Me, Myself & Irene with Jim Carey waving the thing around making it talk like a puppet.
  

Charlie: "Well look who joined the party !!!! DId you have fun ? Huh ? [waves giant phallus around] '*ooohh yess I did yeah*' so I guess old Hanky-Panky wasn't enough for you huh?"

Irene: "It wasn't for me ."

Classic.

• This same girl's boyfriend works in another department, and he was telling us this story about when he'd just gotten back from Kosovo and was out partying with his army buddies. This dude doesn't drink (because he gets "a little crazy" by his own description) so his pals spiked his drink with Everclear. They ended up at a Victoria's Secret at the mall across the way, where this guy was arrested for sexually assaulting the mannequins, putting merchandise on his head, and harassing the sales girls. As the female officer tried to get him into the car, he in turn tried to bend her over the hood and hump her, which led to an "assault on a police officer" charge. He woke up in jail with no recollection of the night's events. The security tape was played in court, and his drink-spiking buddies were made to fess up, so the judge had a good laugh and let him off with community service. This same guy's wife cheated on him while he was away, and he found a video of her getting tag teamed by three guys...which he copied and labeled as "Joey's Birthday Party" (his wife's son's name) and mailed it off to her entire family. He's got some good stories.
  

• I found out that there are 2 supervisors who are having some kind of grand love affair, which isn't strange unless you know that they are both married to other people who don't work for the company. On top of that, they use the Breastfeeding Room to get it on. Ew. I had to go in there for a flu shot recently, and I literally tiptoed around and tried not to touch anything. The nurse looked at me like I was completely out of my mind.

These people make me feel normal. Me. Normal. Sad, no?