Lemme tell ya a story...

So there's this family...married couple, both with grown children from prior relationships. The woman (we'll call her S) has this daughter (A) who got knocked up by a convicted felon (D) when she was 18; the guy also has been known to smack her around, and is none to popular in the family. The husband (E) has a big mouth, and is known to shit talk S's daughter in the presence of others, telling them how stupid she is, etc. This does not generally sit well with S, and it's been going on for about 2 years now. The marriage is definitely suffering, as every time D decides to use A as a punching bag, she comes home and it starts shit.

Anyway, S & E were having company over last weekend, and A pulled up with the baby. D had roughed her up, and she wanted to stay the night; of course S took her in, while E rolled his eyes and shit talked. The situation escalated later that evening, when D showed up and started screaming and yelling in the front yard that he was going to kill A...all this with the guests still inside. S calls the police, and D gets hauled away for making threats and for having assaulted A earlier that evening. The guests leave, and E decides to open his mouth about A and tell her mother what a loser she is. S tells him to cut the shit, and locks herself in the bedroom to get away from him. E breaks down the door, chokes S, and punches her in the mouth. S calls the police, they show up and haul E away for assault.

E shows up at the jailhouse and they give him some prison skivvies...apparently in this particular jail you are color-coded according to your offense; murderers, for example, get red, which is the worst. Assaults and batteries generally get you blue and green type colors. E was given a blue outfit and tossed into a cell...directly across from none other than D, freshly decked out in a green suit of his own. Blue is indicative of a worse offense than Green, so D immediately started pointing and laughing at E, who at this point was ripshit. They spent the weekend in cells opposite each other, verbal assaults flying, reaching through bars trying to rip each others' throats out. They each posted bail Monday morning and respectively had to find new places to call home for the next 30 days until the restraining orders are up.

Outside of the horror of domestic violence...a rather ironic and almost comical situation, right?

Grandma certainly thought so, and laughed her way through this entire story. "Your aunt never did know how to pick a decent man!" My jaw hung agape. "S is sooooooo embarrassed, don't tell anybody I told you. I just hope it doesn't hit the papers!"

A quick google revealed the inevitable:




Merry Christmas to everyone else in the world that has a fucked up family. I'll be getting drunk repeatedly this holiday season, and toasting every last one of you while I do.