Lady

Lately I've been hanging around with Yvonne's group of friends more often. We are all about the same age (roughly 27-33), but almost none of these chicks have jumped on the "marriage and children" bandwagon just yet. Hazel has 2 kids and is going through a divorce, but lives at home and has her mom watch her kids so she can go out 4 nights a week, so she fits in far better than me...then there's this other chick who has one kid from a previous marriage and leaves him home with her fiancee so she can go out 4 nights a week as well [except for that one night where she actually brought the poor child to Beerfest]. Other than that, they are all single and rapidly approaching the "cougar" years.

They maintain themselves much as a golf course superintendent maintains the green...there is hairspray, layers of makeup, glitter [yes, apparently women in their 30's still wear glitter], giant handbags full of supplies, spike heels and tiny little tops worn with just the right push-up bra to attract maximum attention...yet they roll their eyes at the "dirty old men" who check them out, as if they'd done nothing to attract such attention. They tease the younger boys, mock and ridicule those who are too old and/or poor, and scheme against each other to attract the gainfully employed men with six pack abs and the right designer jeans.

Then there's me. 29, chubby, married mother to three and a former school teacher with a cynical streak a mile wide. These are the bitches I roll with.

Yvonne is currently dating a guy that is a cousin by marriage to another one of these chicks, who has a crush on the cousin-by-marriage's younger brother [she insists that 'by marriage' isn't real family anyway]. One of the other chicks has a crush on the cousin-by-marriage, but blew him off to make out with another guy at the bar a couple of months back, and got pissed that he started talking to Yvonne, so she started plotting behind Yvonne's back to find out what was going on between them. Then, she made out with this other guy who's had a crush on Yvonne forever...sadly, he's older and chubby, so he's out of the running for any "serious" dating, but this other girl teased him for a night anyway just to get Yvonne's ass. Now he's all obsessed with her, and this chick is like, "What EV, I was drunk, he can just get OVER it. [insert eye roll here]"

I've never seen such a corrupt group of "friends." They take smiling self-portraits for their myspace pages and caption it, "ME AND MY BESTEST FRIEND! BFF!!!" yet they'll talk shit behind your back and steal your boyfriend. It's survival of the bitchest, and you'd best watch your back, yet they continue to hang out together as if nothing is going on.

Is this normal? Do all women have these weirdly incestuous friend-circles where everyone is shit-talking and fucking behind everyone else's back?

The worst part of the whole thing, to me anyway, is the fact that they all refer to each other as "lady."

"Hey lady, you going to the bar tonight?"
"LADY! Where you been, bitch?"
"I'm hanging with my ladies tonight."

And the myspace comments...sweet Jesus...the following are from ONE FUCKING PROFILE. Don't these chicks feel REDUNDANT yet?

"Happy weekend lady!!"
"Nice background lady! How was your night?"
"Happy Turkey Day Lady!!"
"Happy Gobble Gobble day Lady."
"Hey lady?!?!?! You heading out tomorrow night?"
"Hey lady whats up? give me a ring and let me know..."

I seriously want to strangle them with their designer purse straps whenever I hear the word "lady" roll off of their sticky painted lips. I got my first "lady" comment on myspace this morning and I felt dirty.

So here I am, talking shit behind their backs, but at least it's anonymous and won't be causing drama amongst the fembots. None of them really consider me part of "the group" anyway because I can't go out 4 nights a week. I just hate that they're turning Yvonne, my best friend for 10 years, into one of them. A fembot. Dear God. I have to get that girl married off before it's too late.

I'm starting to think something is wrong with me, as I can never find a place to fit in. In high school, I was more comfortable with guys...you know, the ones who tell you all their relationship issues but never want to date you...and could never deal with that clique shit that girls inevitably fall into during high school. As an adult, I could never bond with the other "mom" types at my kids' schools because they honestly freak me out...they're the PTA soccer mom types who bake for school functions and sing in the choir at the church. They all live in the same neighborhood, they all went to high school together, and it's like their little clique from high school simply carried over into adulthood. In college, I was pregnant my senior year, and most of my friends got freaked out and stopped calling. Since then, I've been on mom duty, forgoing most outside relationships to focus on my family. Yvonne is one of a few that I've remained friends with, and now I feel like we have less and less in common.

One of the chicks got drunk a few weeks back and started running her mouth..."Do you think any of this is REAL? It's all a front. Do you really think any of us are FRIENDS?" She was promptly dragged off and put into a cab so everyone else could continue taking myspace self-portraits and downing shots, but I think it really rattled everyone because deep down, everyone knows she's right.

If you can't look at your friends and know they'll be there for you when shit really goes wrong...not "wardrobe malfunction" wrong, but "life and death" kind of wrong...then can you truly call them friends?

Seems like it's the norm to have a bunch of acquaintances that you call your friends rather than cultivating real relationships with real people. Maybe we're all too busy for that shit these days, or maybe I'm just old fashioned, but it seems a bit too contrived for me.