Random Childhood Memories, Vol. 2

My teacher in Kindergarten was named Miss Patrick. All the other Kindergarten teachers carried stop signs to use while the children were in line, but not Miss Patrick; she held up a giant cardboard cut out of an ice cream cone...it was strawberry, I remember this distinctly.

"When I hold this up, it doesn't mean it's time to eat...it means it's time to stop. and when I say 'ice cream' you should stop what you're doing and look at me." We'd be on the playground, and all the other kids would look over like what the FUCK when she whipped out the strawberry ice cream.


Bitch, if you want us to stop, why the fuck can't you just say STOP? I'd bet my ass she's still teaching someplace, fucking with little kids' heads with her giant cardboard ice cream. TO THIS DAY, if someone says the words 'ice cream' I immediately think 'STOP'. I guess it's a good thing she didn't try out some Pavlovian shit on us or I might be drooling instead.


Miss Patrick was an asshole outside of the whole ice cream thing, too. She rushed us at lunch time so we'd get to recess faster, where she would dump us off on her aide for half an hour. I could never finish my peanut butter sandwich in time, so I'd finish it on the bus on the way home. These identical 2nd grade twins used to scream "PEANUT BUTTER FACE!!!" in perfect unison out the school bus window as I ran down my driveway at the end of the day. One day my mom saw and screamed if they didn't shut their fucking mouths that she was going to run their dog over with her car. They stopped. Mom was kind of a weirdo like that.