Freaking

I'm supposed to hear for sure tomorrow whether or not I have this job. I interviewed with four people, got along famously with each, and was flat out told that I am the "ideal candidate for the job" by three of them. Ghengis tells me this is pretty much a done deal, but I am not counting my chickens until I have an offer in my hands.


I think he's under the impression that I'm not excited about it. He keeps asking me if I am, and I guess I've been non-committal and perhaps a little too cool...right up until my last interview on Friday, I was very level-headed with an "if it happens, it happens" attitude, but right now I want this job so badly I can taste it.


I've come to the conclusion that I'm afraid to care about anything because I know from experience that it will eventually blow up in my face. I've lost jobs, been through rejection more times than I care to admit, watched my children struggle, and trudged my way through so much shit that I've come to expect anything and everything to go wrong. I'm pretty sure that makes me emotionally handicapped, and it pisses me off to no end. I've always been a bit of a pessimist, but never like this. I hate that this so-called "defense mechanism" has seemingly taken over my entire life.


So basically I've been reduced to a place where I feel like this ONE thing could turn it all around, and if it doesn't happen I'm just going to bed for a week. How UNBALANCED is that? I went one extreme of feeling like this will never work out because nothing ever does to planning out childcare and figuring out when I can quit the hellhole. My stomach is in knots. This just has to work out.


I conveyed a bit of this to Ghengis, and he said to me, "K, there is no other shoe to drop." He doesn't understand why I'm so tense about the whole thing, and I guess it's hard to explain. I wish I could just relax and believe him, but in my experience, even when both shoes have dropped, stray shoes seem to keep on finding me.