The worst thing you've ever seen in person

Today I was poking around an internet forum that I frequent, and someone posted a thread topic: "What's the more horrible thing you've ever seen in person?" Responses were not surprising; the aftermath of a traffic accident (bloody faces, bad injuries, etc.), brains splattered on the street...but this one guy mentioned an incident where he saw a possum buy it on the interstate.

"Pussy," I thought as I scrolled my way down. Is that all he's got? An oversized rodent who was too fucking fat and stupid to get across the road faster? But then I remembered my own little brush with a rodent whose bushy little tail was ultimately bested by a brand new SUV.

I was 7 months pregnant with my oldest son, and on my way over to my now-husband's house, when I saw a squirrel at the side of the road. He was on all fours, kinda like those dudes in the olympics with their heels against those blocks, waiting for his chance to make an ill-fated run for the forest.


"Go for it, little fella," I said under my breath. Normally, I wouldn't have given a shit, but I was pregnant, hormonal, and filled with a newfound respect for all living things. I couldn't even bring myself to squash spiders anymore...I would trap them and put them outside, as I hummed the theme to "Born Free". I'd even tear up a little as I watched them scurry into a bush. Yeah, it was a problem. On this day, SuperPreggo, Champion of All Critters, was about to get a nice little reality slap in the middle of a busy street.

The squirrel saw his chance, and went for it. He damn near made it, but a car clipped his backside and sent him spinning. He sat on the painted lines smack in the middle of the road, stunned. I let out a screech, slammed on the brakes, and pulled over, intent on leading the poor helpless creature to safety.

In retrospect, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. There I was, heavily pregnant, barely able to move at all, and I intended to pick up a possibly-rabid wild animal and carry it across a state highway. Undeterred by common sense, I stood at the side of the road, waiting for my chance. Unfortunately, the squirrel seemed to come to and started to run again, only to be completely creamed by a Ford Explorer, who never even hit the brakes.

My jaw dropped. Maybe he's still ok... Then I noticed his intestines hanging out of his ass.

I was about to go back to my car, defeated...but I couldn't just LEAVE him there. The indignity of another car running over my little friend was just too much to bear. I went to my trunk, grabbed some rags, and again stood at the side of the road, waiting for my chance. At the first lull in traffic, I waddled on out, scooped up the poor critter and took him behind a bush on the side of the road.

I lovingly wrapped him up (I even tried to stuff his insides back in a little bit) and dug a small hole. I said a few words ["Dear Lord, I ask you to take care of my little friend...uh...'Squirrelly'. All Squirrelly wanted was to be back in the forest to be with his family...oh my God, what if he had a family? What if he has LITTLE BABY SQUIRRELS in a nest somewhere that are now going to DIE because Daddy never came back with the nuts? OH MY GOD!!! WAAAAAAHHHH!!! *sob*sob*choke*snort* PLEASE GOD send him to heaven or something. Fucking humans and their SUV's...WAAAAAHHHHH...."], and buried him under the bush.

I cried all the way to the husband's house, and walked in the door still wracked with sobs.

H: "K, what the fuck happened?"
K: [sniff, snort] "Oh God, it was AWFUL."
H: "What the FUCK? Did someone DIE???"
K: "Yes...oh God, it happened right in front of me...the poor thing..." [sob]
H: "Are you kidding? Car accident or something?"
K: "Poor little buggar never had a chance...I picked him up and buried him..."
H: "WHAT?"
K: "Poor Squirrelly..." [sob]
H: "It was a squirrel?"
K: "YES!!! It was HORRIBLE!!!" [wailing sobs]


The husband must have thought I was out of my damned mind, but he comforted me just the same and assured me that the squirrel probably never knew what hit him and most certainly went to Squirrel Heaven.


Ok. So maybe the guy with the possum isn't such a pussy after all.