Top 10 funny things recently said in my presence

"Oh cool, my pubes are back!"
~Husband, who trimmed a bit too close last month


Youngest Child: [whining because I bumped his arm] "BOO BOO! OUCH!"
K: [rolling eyes, muttering] "Ouch my ASS..."
Youngest Child: "NO! Ouch my HAND!"


K: "What can I do for you, honey?"
Husband: [thinking] "Well, you can spit-shine my balls and get me a beer."


Youngest Child: [annoyed at broken toy] "JESUS CHRIST!"
Oldest Child: "Mum-MAY! [YC] is copying your bad words again!"


K: "Does anyone know who the founder of our city is?"
Student: "John F. Candidate. The third."


Guest Speaker: [holding shears and a stuffed sheep] "Ok, so I've got my shears, and I've got my sheep, what do I have to do now?"
Student: "KILL IT! STICK IT WITH THE SHEARS! KILL IT!"
Guest Speaker: [stares in horror]
Student: "What? You mean you don't have to kill before you shave it?"


Student: [under breath] "I hate you so much..."
K: "WHAT WAS THAT?"
Student: [in terror] "I ...I...bait fruit...in a hutch..."


[Instant Messenger conversation]
Ghengis: "So I'm buying my car this weekend."
K: "Oh really? This is it? And here I thought you ordered it last summer..."
Ghengis: "I'm so gonna block you. Just wait. Keep it up."


[another Instant Messenger gem]
Husband: "I'm leaving work now, baby, lube up."
K: [shocked smiley face] :-o
Husband: "Stop acting surprised. You love it."
"Husband" signed off at 4:59pm


[message board exchange]
K: "[so and so] hardly ever posts."
Other guy: "Yeah, what's up with that? So mysterious..."
Guy #2: "You guys are lucky, he's been bugging me for pictures of my ass for the last three months. Sends me poetry and everything:

How much do I love thee,
let me count the ways
like the petals on the succulent rose
show me your ass