Poker. Again.

We ended up going to a friend's house to play poker last night. It was a small game, only 6 people, but it was amusing nonetheless...not surprisingly, and as is normally the case for this group of people, the level of funny increased at the same rate as the amount of Jim Beam decreased. I was drinking, so this story is not going to have the same kind of timely flow as my usual entries...forgive me if it's choppy.

We played one round, and the husband was quite the card shark as usual. Just before we started the second round, his phone rang. He didn't recognize the number, and let it go to voicemail, which he checked while we were playing. As he listened, I could hear a female voice, and the look on his face was a mixture of "What the FUCK?" and puzzled amusement.

K: "Who is THAT?"
Husband: "Hold on..hold on...this is getting speakerphone..." [puts phone on the table]

It's times like this I wish I were tech saavy enough to put an audio file on my blog. What came from the speaker was the most annoying, nasally, drunken female voice I have ever heard in my life.

"HELLOOOOOO...HELLOOOOOO....WOOGITY WOOGITY WOOGITY...HELLOOOO IT'S YOUR LOOOOOOOOOVER...I'm just WILD about you, call me baaaaaaaack and we'll hook up. (123) 45...oh shit, that's not right... (123) 456...78...fuck fuck that's not right... (123) 456-7890...did you get that? (123) 456-7890...WOOGITY WOOGITY WOOGITY!!! YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS, LOOOOOOOOVER...Call me! K? Call me tonight! WOOGITY!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGITY!!!!! BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"


We were all pretty much falling out of our seats laughing. We played it three times, and she actually tried to call back twice. I swear to God if I ever figure out how to get this message transferred to an MP3, I will post it. And if it ever comes to light that my husband was fucking around with some stupid whore that would actually leave a message like that, I will cut his balls off and post video.

Anyway, we managed to collect ourselves, and the night went on. At one point, all the men folded, leaving the girls to duke it out.

Host: "Ooooh, it's the estrogen hand!"
BrotherInLaw: "Ok, who's got the biggest labia, let's see it!"
Girls: [stare in horror]
BrotherInLaw: [undeterred] "Come on, get 'em out there. LABIA GIGANTIGUS! WHO CAN FIT THE MOST SHIT UP THERE?"
Hostess: "Check."
Girl2: [attempts to ignore brother in law] "Raise."
Host: [in his best female voice] "Oooohhh, my tits are bigger than yours..."
K: "I fold."
BrotherInLaw: "Somebody's labia are sub-par..."

As the Jim Beam disappeared, lips started to get loose. There were revelations about other people who weren't around to defend themselves...

Girl2: "Shit, where's my chapstick..."
Hostess: "Oooh, what kind do you use?"
Girl2: "Burt's Bees. Good stuff."
BrotherInLaw: [casually] "You know, Don used to use chapstick on his ass."
Husband: "WHAT?"
BrotherInLaw: "Oh yeah...he'd take a new one, stick it up there..."
Girl2: "Wait...up WHERE?"
BrotherInLaw: "And once it was up there, he'd twist it up all the way..."
Host: [laughing hysterically]
BrotherInLaw: "And then he'd break it off."
K: "Wait...wait wait...THEN what?"
BrotherInLaw: "He'd just leave it there."
K: "So let me get this straight...he would leave an entire chapstick up his ass?"
BrotherInLaw: "Yep."
Host: "Well, this is the same guy who used to put frozen spoons on his grundle to increase the intensity of his ejaculations."
Girls: [stare in horror]
Husband: "Yeah. Shit like that isn't surprising when you're talking about Don."

Shortly thereafter, the brother in law was knocked out, and he took a piss break. Just as he closed the door, we heard quite a ruckus coming from the bathroom.

BrotherInLaw: "What the fuck..."
K: "Christ, what now..."
BrotherInLaw: [flushes, comes running out] "Did you guys check out that mirror in there?"
RestOfUs: [staring]
Host: "What mirror"
BrotherInLaw: "Dude, the mirror on the back of your toilet is adjusted at a perfect angle to look at your cock while you're pissing!"
Host: "WHAT?"
BrotherInLaw: "What kind of fucking weirdo ARE you???"
Host: "I DON'T LOOK AT MY COCK!"
BrotherInLaw: "[Girl2], go check it out, I'm telling you."
Girl2: [looking] "Wow, yeah, I could see my vagina if I wanted to..."
BrotherInLaw: "See? LABIA GIGANTIGUS!!!"

The iPod, as always, gave an interesting shuffle, but one of the highlight of the evening's soundtrack was a stirring parody of Billy Joel's You May Be Right, performed by my drunken half-Asian brother in law.

"I maaaaaay be white...I maaaaaay be Asian...but I just may be the ruuuuunatic you're rooking for...turn out the riiiiiiiiight...don't try to shave me...I may be Wong, for all you know, I may be whiiiiiiiiiiite..."


Host: "Shut the fuck up and play."
BrotherInLaw: "I call you! Oooohhh, frip 'em, round eye! I have frush!"
Husband: "What the fuck is a frush?"
[hysterical laughter]


We played until about 2am and ended up crashing on couches. The father in law had taken the kids, and the youngest apparently decided to shit up a storm right after we left, which we had to hear about in excruciating detail first thing in the morning. A small price to pay for such entertainment.

At least now I know to hide my good chapstick next time Don stops over. I fully plan to install a dick mirror before it's our turn to host poker night. I also plan to call up a drunken whore later on today and threaten to tear her tits off if she ever calls my husband again.