Odd things that come in cans

During my internet travels this afternoon, I came across something disturbing: Vagina In A Can.


As is the case with just about anything that could qualify as sexually deviant, we have the Japanese to thank for this technological wonder. It's a disposable masturbator, instantly ready for lovin' with the simple pop of a tab. No dinner or a movie required for a piece of this poonanny, just one easy payment of $4 U.S. dollars.


Let's have a look inside...shall we?




Yup. Just as vile-looking as I'd imagined.


This got me thinking...what other unusual items come in cans? Behold, my disturbing discoveries...


Flowers In A Can

At Uncommon Goods, you can have your very own flowers growing out of soda cans for 20 bucks. Just pop the top, add water, expose to sunlight and you've got yourself some nature.
What a racket! Soda cans + dirt + seeds = 20 bucks? Thanks, but I'll stick to killing my spider plant.


Cat In A Can

Now THIS sounded interesting. What could it be? A stuffed animal, perhaps? One that jumps out at you, reminiscent of the ever-popular "Snake In A Can"? I was excited to found out, and clicked the link...



...only to find that it was yet another vagina. Dammit. Can't believe I fell for that...







Thong In A Can


Rest assured that no dolphins were harmed during the manufacture of this product. Tuna safe...oh how clever, it's a fish joke. I'm starting to see an "in a can" trend here...


Tom In A Can


Yes, Tom comes in a can. No, I am not visiting the site to find out what that entails. Click at your own peril, I'm all set.

Condom In A Can

Once again, the Asians are scaring the shit out of me.

Apparently, you can...um..."insert" this spray can and it's contents are supposed to provide protection from diseases, dreaded sperm, and a bit of lube as well.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm pretty much all set spraying anything with "nanometer-silver cryptomorphic" in the title anywhere near MY cooch. Fuck you guys. Wear the raincoat and SUCK IT UP.

Consciousness In A Can
















Girl #1: "I just don't know where my life is going...it all seems so meaningless."
Girl #2: "It's ok...just go get some Consciousness In A Can!"


Sorry, guys...I've got my own little bit of "Consciousness In A Can", and it's called "COFFEE". Anything beyond that is some kind of new age hippie shit that can bite my ass.


Boob In A Can


Begs the questions:

1) What kind of event would constitute a "boob in a can" emergency?
2) Why would you wanna squeeze a plastic tit? Is this soothing to men?

Clearly a novelty item, but I can just picture some fucking sicko sitting in a cubicle, stroking a rubber teet while he frantically searches for his Swingline.



I've come to the conclusion that, outside of food products, nothing truly useful comes in a can. I've also learned that my husband could be hiding a pussy in the fridge behind the sodas and I wouldn't even know it.