K Gets Ass Kicked; Hilarity Ensues

My son's school had a family activity this month at an indoor gym that has shitloads of those giant blow-up jumping things that you normally see at carnivals. I guess this is the new craze, and these types of places are popping up all over for $160 per hour rental. Hey, it was free, and sounded like a good time, so I signed the family up to participate. I even made the husband tag along, much to his chagrine. He usually gets out of these kinds of things, but I was damned if I was gonna suffer alone, so we piled into the family truckster and headed out.

We walked in and were faced with the biggest fucking slide I've ever seen in my life. It was damn near the size of one of those giant potato sack slides, and it was full of air and indoors. I was skeptical; youngest child was not, and he headed right the fuck up like he was Evel Knievel Jr.


He looked back a few times, but made it all the way up by himself and hurled himself downward, squealing with glee the whole way before crashed into an air-filled barrier at the bottom.


He is the blur. He was literally moving that fast. I have a pretty decent digital, and 4 attempts later, I gave up on getting a reaction shot.

Youngest Child promptly came over and grabbed my hand.

YC: "Come ON, Mummy!" [tugs hand, starts walking toward slide again]
K: "No. I don't wanna."
YC: "COME ON, MUMMY!" [tugs hand harder]
K: "You can't make me."
YC: [starts wailing, throws himself to the ground]
K: "Goddammit...fine. Once."
YC: [gets up, laughs hysterically as he leads me to my death]

I went down the giant slide, ended up catching my foot on the side and tumbled the rest of the way on my head. YC was waiting at the bottom, pointing and laughing. I promptly decided I was done trying to keep up with the young 'uns.

Shortly thereafter, as I sat on a bench, trying to shake off the vertigo I had from the giant slide, Oldest Child cajoled me into following him through a maze. Ok, I was down for that...how hard can the fucking blow-up maze be? Determined not to let a kiddie toy get the best of me, in I went, only to discover that this kiddie maze was more like a mini-Marine obstacle course.

Here we have the first obstacle: The Rock Wall. 6 feet tall, with tiny little footholds.

Now, bear in mind that I was the wimpy girl who could never climb the rope in gym class, so this shit was slightly intimidating. I managed to get to the top, but I promptly lost my balance (air-filled devices are notoriously unstable...or perhaps it was the shift of my fat ass, who knows) and did an involuntary barrel roll down the other side. Again, I was pointed and laughed at by one of my children.

Next...I was to squeeze through this thing pictured below.



Um, ok. Getting through this fiendish device can only be described as "reverse childbirth".

"Make way, motherfucker, I'm goin' in!"

I somehow managed to get through, though I had to hold my breath for a bit. I flopped out the other side, caught my breath, and was faced with the "get repeatedly punched in the face by giant orange things" gauntlet.





Followed by the "midget tunnel", where I was forced to crawl on my hands and knees to get through. Small children ran past me; again, they pointed and laughed. It was around this point I discovered that my son had long since abandoned me for the trampoline with the basketball hoop.

Then, the final obstacle: a 12 foot tall rock wall. What the fuck!

I figured I was fucked at this point. The 6 foot wall had nearly done me in, now 12??? The tunnels were one way, and there was a 16 year old girl with a whistle who was sure to lay into me if I dared to go "out" the "in". I gritted my teeth, dug in my toes and scaled it like a motherfucker...a motherfucker that is overweight and out of shape, but I made it nonetheless.

I was met with a horrifying sight...the exit slide. Nearly as terrifying as the Santa slide in "A Christmas Story"...


Now, I'm not all that afraid of heights, but I did NOT like where this was going. It was almost a vertical drop, and there were small children WAITING AT THE BOTTOM for the sole purpose of laughing at me. The head of the PTA was waiting with her 8 megapixel digital camera that was fully capable of the dreaded "reaction shot". I was fucked, and I knew it. Too late to pussy out, I sucked it up and headed down.

Needless to say, I am not looking forward to seeing THAT picture hanging on the wall at Open House.

The children chattered excitedly during the ride home. I could only hang my head out the window like a car-sick canine, fresh air the only thing keeping me from blowing chunks. Oldest Child has decided that he wants to have his birthday party at this God-forsaken hellhole. The fun never ends in the K household.