Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were rather eventful, so I've chosen to tell the stories in two installments, starting with the debaucle of Christmas Eve.


My weekend of Christmas hell started with a late lunch at the Olive Garden with my aunt and my grandmother (This is on my mother's side of the family. This is not the Grandma who hangs out at Hooters). Grandma had been bitching about going to the Olive Garden since it opened, so we finally decided to throw the old lady a bone and go there on Christmas Eve.

I got there first, snagged a table, and had myself an $8 glass of wine while I waited. My big fat Italian waiter had thrust a sample upon me, and who was I to say no to fruity alcoholic goodness? Besides, I needed the drink; it was 2 o'clock and I still had to hit Marshall's, Barnes and Noble AND the liquor store (Hooters Grandma had requested Kahlua for the Christmas Eve festivities, and I knew she wouldn't let me in the house without it). Yes, I am a woman, and I shopped right up to Christmas Eve. For shame! I'm already hanging my head about it, next year I pledge to be better prepared. And thinner. But anyway...

Grandma and Auntie showed up, Auntie looking annoyed and Grandma bitching about the temperature in the place. Then they proceeded to complain that Fatty the Waiter was taking too long to take their drink orders. While we waited, I gave Grandma my presents, which consisted of a cashmere scarf and a framed picture of me. Now, I don't like giving out pictures of myself...I find it conceited, but Grandma constantly complains that she doesn't have any recent ones so I sucked it up and gave her a picture.

G: [stares at the photo critically]
A: "I think she looks beautiful in that picture!"
K: "Thanks Auntie. I'd just had my hair highlighted. And it's my 'good side'."
G: "Your nose is much prettier in person."
K: [stares]
A: "What are you talking about, Mum?" [annoyed "stop being a crazy old lady" voice]
G: "It looks really big, the way you're tilting your head in the picture."
K: "Gee, thanks Grandma."
G: "You shouldn't tilt your head like that."
K: "Noted."
A: [rolls eyes, makes the 'crazy' sign with her hand and points to Grandma]

Lunch continued uneventfully until I dared to allow a piece of lettuce to fall off of my fork, leaving a small oil spot on my pink shirt.

A: "I hope you weren't planning on wearing that to dinner!"
K: "I was, actually. Oh well. That's what spot remover is for."
G: "Well your boobs are huge."
K: "WHAT?"
G: "It must happen a lot." [rolls eyes with disdain]
K: "Yeah Gram, it usually happens when I'm shoveling food into my piehole with both hands."
G: [scowls]
A: [makes 'crazy' gesture again]

We finished up dinner, but not before Grandma told the waiter that he had a fat ass. Auntie just about shot her $8 worth of wine out of her nose. I think that when you get old, you lose that all-important "filter" that keeps you from making outrageously insulting statements. We parted ways shortly thereafter, her telling me that we should take a family picture for next year's Christmas card, and me commenting that I would clearly need a nose job and liposuction before that could possibly happen.

I left for Marshall's, where I picked up a single item; gloves for my Dad. I headed into a line and found 2 pairs of eyes scowling at me. I asked if they had been planning on going into that line, and they said they were, and quite huffily. Never mind that their cart was facing in the opposite direction, and they were still perusing the endcaps of the registers, but they turned around and cut in front of me with a cartful of crap. Whatever. I tried to keep my holiday spirit and smiled.

Another cashier came running over.

C: "I CAN TAKE THE NEXT PERSON IN LINE!"

I headed over with my gloves, only to find the assholes with the giant cart full of shit hot on my heels, gasping that I dared to go into line before them. They actually took the stuff they had already started putting down OFF the counter and ran up behind me.

K: [smiling] "I have one item, and I'm paying cash."
Obnoxious Couple: [grumbling, whispering, pointing...catching the attention of a manager]

Manager: [to the couple] "I can take you over here."
Obnoxious Couple: "Good! Some people..."

I couldn't take any more at that point...I turned around...

K: "Listen. YOU CUT ME OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE, and I let you go ahead. I have ONE ITEM, and you have like THIRTY. If you're actually gonna hold onto this, then you have got serious issues. BACK THE HELL OFF."

I handed the girl $20 and was on my way. The obnoxious couple and cashiers were in absolute shock, mouths agape. I fucking hate people who will talk all kinds of shit behind your back, but when you call them on it, they have nothing to say. ASSHOLES.

I went next door to Sears, picked up one thing, and went back to my car. I looked through the window and they were STILL checking out. I hope they choke on their gourmet cherry cordials. Some people just suck.

Anyway, I hit the liquor store (where they were turning off the lights so the last-minute alcoholics would get the idea to leave) and headed home to pick up the husband and kids. On to Grandma Hooter's house for Christmas Eve festivities. I decided that I needed to be drunk, and soon.

As soon as I walked in, I headed straight for the kitchen to start mixing drinks. Kahlua and milk was being consumed at an alarming rate, and it was more like " a little milk with my kahlua" rather than the other way around. That shit was dark, and it was fabulous. 4 drinks later, I was completely lit and getting a little chatty.

K: "My grandmother told me I was a big-nosed fatty during lunch today. What a fucking bitch! I hope she chokes on her leftovers." [finishes another drink]

K: "My mother is supposed to come to Christmas dinner tomorrow. Fucking drama queen! Why can't I be an orphan..." [gulp...gulp...]

K: "Why does Santa get all the credit? I busted my ever-loving ASS this week and that fat fuck basks in the glory? IT'S NOT RIGHT!!!" [Grandma was ready to clamp her hand over my mouth at this point]

K: "I love kahlua...fucking GREAT invention...who invented it? I shall give him a hand job if I ever find him." [I had already scared the young children out of the room by this point, so it was all good]

Present exchange was no better...

K: "Here ya go...I think this is for you...what the hell did I get you, I forget...Shit, I really hate Christmas...where's my drink???"

I was not the only obnoxious family member, however...my brother started commenting on how much each of his presents cost, my sister actually complained OUT LOUD that a shirt my grandmother bought her was "ugly", and my Dad started telling racist jokes. Pretty standard family get-together.

At the end of the night, we collected the booty and piled into the car. After stacking the mountain of presents under the tree, I promptly fell into a booze-induced slumber.

Christmas was even better. To be continued...