Well, isn't THIS pleasant!
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Youngest Child is sitting on the couch, happily watching Nickelodeon while I mop up dog puke. Yes, Casey the Retarded Wonder Corgi decided to throw up all over the kids' play room. Not in just one spot, mind you...he made a huge circle around the room and literally puked every 2 feet, hitting a toy and/or a book with every steaming pile. I ushered the dog outside and prepared to survey the damage.
As I walked around the room, my fury grew with each heaping portion of partially digested Purina One.
K: [muttering] "Fucking retarded fucking piece of shit monkey fucking purebred leg-humping motherfucking fuck of a shit-eating MAN'S BEST FRIEND MY ASS!!!"
Oh look! Tard dog threw up on Youngest Child's favorite Little People board book! It was at this point I started to get slightly irrational.
K: "FUCKING SHIT MUTT! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! DIE YOU WHORE! GO BACK TO THE FUCKING QUEEN WHERE YOU'LL HAVE SERVANTS TO SCOOP UP YOUR ROYAL VOMIT!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
I discovered a duplo block with a bit of puke on it, and figured I would toss it into the sink to later go into the dishwasher. Too bad Shitty decided to not only puke ON it, but puke IN it. Dog vomit was strewn across my counter as the duplo hit the sink. This was when the real insanity set in.
K: "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOUR MOTHER FUCKING DIE YOU $800 WASTE OF FUR! I SHOULD MAKE YOU INTO A FUCKING HAT, YOU BRITISH PIECE OF SHIT!!!"
Needless to say, the dog is banned for the day, and possibly for the rest of his life if my blood pressure doesn't start to level out shortly.
But hey! Let's try to find the silver lining, boys and girls...at least I happened to be home so the puke bombs didn't have a chance to ferment all day.
Ok. That's not working for me. Fuck the silver lining. And I hate dogs.
As I walked around the room, my fury grew with each heaping portion of partially digested Purina One.
K: [muttering] "Fucking retarded fucking piece of shit monkey fucking purebred leg-humping motherfucking fuck of a shit-eating MAN'S BEST FRIEND MY ASS!!!"
Oh look! Tard dog threw up on Youngest Child's favorite Little People board book! It was at this point I started to get slightly irrational.
K: "FUCKING SHIT MUTT! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! DIE YOU WHORE! GO BACK TO THE FUCKING QUEEN WHERE YOU'LL HAVE SERVANTS TO SCOOP UP YOUR ROYAL VOMIT!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
I discovered a duplo block with a bit of puke on it, and figured I would toss it into the sink to later go into the dishwasher. Too bad Shitty decided to not only puke ON it, but puke IN it. Dog vomit was strewn across my counter as the duplo hit the sink. This was when the real insanity set in.
K: "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOUR MOTHER FUCKING DIE YOU $800 WASTE OF FUR! I SHOULD MAKE YOU INTO A FUCKING HAT, YOU BRITISH PIECE OF SHIT!!!"
Needless to say, the dog is banned for the day, and possibly for the rest of his life if my blood pressure doesn't start to level out shortly.
But hey! Let's try to find the silver lining, boys and girls...at least I happened to be home so the puke bombs didn't have a chance to ferment all day.
Ok. That's not working for me. Fuck the silver lining. And I hate dogs.
sKWeez'd by K @ 1:15 PM | Perma-link
11 Comments:
At 11/29/2005 2:36 PM,
Wizzie said…
Hmmm... "a duplo blog"
What's one of them? :P
And what's wrong with British things!?
At 11/29/2005 3:00 PM,
K said…
Block goddammit...BLOCK! I'm knee deep in puke man, a little understanding!!!
Oh, and take my fucking dog. PLEASE. The only things preventing me from denouncing everything British today are you and Hugh Grant. That's IT.
At 11/29/2005 3:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
Reason 13,259,458 why to keep denying the girl-child a dog. Thanks for the reminder.
At 11/29/2005 5:27 PM,
Wizzie said…
Wow! In the same league as Hugh Grant!
I am so very OFFENDED!
Nah, joking. He's charmingly-dim-witted humour makes me laugh at every single romatic-comedy film he is in! All 6 million of them...
At 11/29/2005 10:24 PM,
Washington Crunchy Mama said…
I love Hugh Grant. Ahhhh, now I remember why we got rid of our shiz tzu! Sorry for your miserable puke-cleaning night, but thanks for the laugh :)
At 11/30/2005 6:39 PM,
Kara said…
One thing to note: the dog puking isn't the dog's fault, or deliberate or whatnot. My dog hates to puke as much as I hate it when he pukes. He feels guilty and won't make eye-contact. I think if dogs could choose, they wouldn't puke. Much like us peeps, I think.
Just a thought to hopefully prevent any kicking or beating with newspapers.
At 12/01/2005 4:31 AM,
K said…
Dog was already outside while I was having my tirade, as noted in the post. I'm not about to beat the shit out of my dog for something out of his control, but I'm pretty sure I'm still allowed to get pissed.
At 12/01/2005 5:51 PM,
Kara said…
Wow. I wasn't suggesting you would... I was actually kind of being sarcastic. Of course you'd get pissed! I'm sorry you misunderstood my message.
At 12/01/2005 5:54 PM,
Kara said…
"Of course you'd get pissed" about the dog lurching all over your house, I meant.
Gah, nevermind. I can't get my ideas across very well I guess.
At 12/01/2005 9:25 PM,
HadesGigas said…
Dog: The Bounty Hunter
That's my contribution
At 12/02/2005 4:56 AM,
K said…
No worries, Kara. Doggie is resting peacefully on an old sweatshirt in the breezeway until he gets over the bug. Now he's got the shits. Joyous day!!!
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