Turkey Balls

Yesterday, my students were in music class and I was sitting at my desk grading papers...again...when the Vice Principal walked in. Vice Principal has a very heavy accent and was waving a bunch of papers around, so this was all I got out of the conversation.

VP: "I need you to have the students write about sweat."
K: "Excuse me?"
VP: "Sweat, they need to write about sweat. And balls."
K: "Ummm..."
VP: "I need it right away." [rushes out of the room to the next class]

I sat dumbfounded...what the fuck...

I walked next door to the other fourth grade teacher.

K: "WHAT does she want us to do???"
T: "Oh, she needs a writing sample. From the bathroom incident the other day."
K: "oooohhhh...I see..."
T: "We need to make up a sentence for the kids to copy down."
K: "What kind of sentence?"
T: "One that uses 'ugly', 'sweaty', and 'balls'."
K: [stares]
T: "Yeah, I know. I'm still trying to come up with something myself."

What could I possibly have them write? Possibilities raced through my mind:

• The ugly boys played soccer and ended up with sweaty balls.
• The boy's balls were ugly and sweaty.
• The sweaty girl laughed at the ugly balls.
• Ugly balls can't be sweaty.
• Sweaty balls are always ugly.

fuck...fuck...fuck...

Finally, I came up with this:

The ugly turkeys played with basketballs
until they were sweaty.

"Gobble?"

The children were greeted with this festive message as they came back from music class.

Girl: "Mrs. K, WHAT is THAT?"
K: "Here's some paper, boys and girls. You need to copy this down."
Girl: "But WHY?"
K: "Just do it. Make sure your name it on it."
Girl: "Sweaty turkeys? That's DISGUSTING!"
Boy: "It's not 'sweaty', stupid, it's 'sweetie'."
Girl: "Is not."
Boy: "Is too."
Girl: "Is not."
Boy: "Is too."
[repeat 10 more times]

K: "OK! That's enough. Just cut it out. We need to write this down." [proceeds to make the mistake of reading the sentence aloud]

Boy: [whispering] "Haha, the teacher said 'balls'."
K: "You just lost your recess, pal."

I collected the papers and asked my most dependable student to bring them to the Vice Principal. I proceeded to have a very mature conversation with one of my girls.

Girl: "Are we going to write more about sweaty turkeys?"
K: "No, open up your reading books."
Girl: "But why did we have to do that?"
K: "Just because."
Girl: "That's not a real answer!"
K: "Yes it is."
Girl: "But WHY?"
K: "Because I said so."
Girl: "But WHY?"
K: "Because I'm bigger than you. Reading books, page 157 boys and girls!"
Girl: [walks away, defeated]


I can make 22 nine year olds write about sweaty turkey balls and not even have to tell them why. Teaching rocks.