Supermarket

So I decided to go grocery shopping for the second time this week, primarily because my boys are pigs and eat everything in sight. Seriously, they're like locusts, and they work as a team to get the loot. I've hidden around the corner and seen them in action on more than one occasion; middle child gives youngest child a boost, and oldest child is waiting to catch the goods as youngest child throws them down. Then they smuggle it into the living room and stuff their faces as they watch Spongebob Squarepants, passing the shit back and forth, filling the couch with crumbs. This normally goes down while I'm having the nerve to do the laundry or clean the bathroom, and we're seriously considering padlocking the fridge like those parents on the "I have a 200 pound toddler" episodes of Maury Povich. They're not fat yet, but they're sure as hell gonna be if this keeps up.

Anyway, back to grocery shopping; I hate it. I'm too much of a fucktard to remember to double check my list before I leave a section and always end up running back and forth when I realize I've forgotten something. There's always a line at the deli. I ALWAYS squish the bread (which has become a running joke, my husband gives me endless shit for this), and I ALWAYS manage to somehow break one lonely egg out of the dozen, just enough to make a mess and piss me off. The worst part is that even if it's an "in-between" shopping trip, like it was tonight, I'm guaranteed to drop at least $80-$100. I might as well just walk up to customer service, drop my pants and bend over, because Hannaford Supermarkets owns my ass outright.

The first section is produce: ha, fuck this shit, produce rots in my house. I grab a bag of potatoes, as those are probably the least perishable of all vegetables and are almost guaranteed to survive long enough to be cooked.

Next, we have the "processed deli" section, which is where I have to snag hot dogs for youngest child. We've tried buying him the "good" hot dogs from the deli, all beef and such, but he prefers the cheap shit, so I grab a package of processed lips and assholes and toss them into the carriage.

On to the deli, which I monopolize for a full 15 minutes with my gargantuan order. It never fails that if, on the rare occasion, I happen to hit the deli with no line, that some poor bastard holding a basket with obvious intentions to order one or two things happens to end up behind me. The deli associates never seem to care.

K: "Maybe you should take this guy's order so he can get outta here."
D: "We'll finish your order first. What else did you want?"
K: "It's a biggie, I'm telling you, take him."
D: [annoyed] "So you don't want anything?"
K: "No, I want lots, trust me. But this guy..." [voice trails off as I realize that the deli guy doesn't give a shit and just wants to get rid of me]
K: "Fine. A pound of bologna. The cheap stuff. Because my kids prefer lips and...um...well you know."
D: [stares, starts slicing my order]

I run away from the deli, feeling the death glare of the single guy with the basket on my back. I pick up some bread that I know will get squished on my way to the meat section, and snag a 4 pound chunk of ground beef for my little carnivores. I walk back and forth, looking for Italian sausage, cursing because I can't find it. Tard.

K: [muttering] "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fucking fuck your mother fuck..."

[Old woman comes around the corner, looks at me with disgust]

Making friends everywhere I go...

On toward the snack aisle. I must stock up for a week's worth of bag lunches, and Little Debbie, like an old and faithful friend, is there for me. $1.29 for 8 Cosmic Brownies...bless you Debbie. At least some things are still cheap in the world.

Condiments are next. Mustard, ketchup, mayo...into the carriage. Almost done. I round the corner and see a display with an aura of glorious light around it..."Coke Zero, 78 cents 2 liter". Cherubs sang. My cheeks flushed; COKE ZERO FOR 78 CENTS, HOT DAMN! Six 2 liters went flying into my carriage with such gusto that I actually broke one of the caps (which I discovered when I got home). Now Coke Zero is the greatest fucking invention and between my husband and I, we got through a 2 liter a day. Awesome shit. With my luck, we'll find out in 10 years that it causes ass cancer or something. I dismiss the thought of my rectum rotting away and throw a couple more in for good measure.

Coke Zero: No Lips, No Assholes
Just Pure Awesomeness (and ass cancer)

Onward, to frozen food! I find the one single brand of chicken nuggets that picky middle child will eat...more processed shit! Beaks and chicken butt, no doubt...into the carriage post haste, your friends from the magical land of lips and assholes await! I search through the dairy case for American Cheese slices...not cheese food, not cheese product, fucking CHEESE, people, should this really be so HARD??? I might feed my children chicken ass, but goddammit, they WILL have real cheese!!! I finally find it (after muttering a few more 'fucks') and toss it in.

To the checkout! By this point I am slightly panicky and feel the need to get the hell out ASAP. I start throwing things onto the conveyor and discover that I've forgotten the paper towels AND the Pepto. FUCK!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! More dirty looks from old ladies...goddamn, isn't it past their bedtime? Isn't Golden Girls on Nick at Nite or something? Leave me in my vulgar peace, people, I'm a woman on the edge at this point.

At the checkout, I spy the two heavily pierced individuals in front of me marveling over the collector's edition of "Office Space". Mental note: check Half.com for that masterpiece later. Paying $24.99 for a DVD at a supermarket checkout is for suckers.

Grand total: $119.77. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??? More fucks ensue as I collect my carriage and run for the door. These kids are eating us out of house and home. Hell, if we'd discovered the joys of anal earlier in our relationship, we'd probably be driving Bentleys by now.