2005: The Year of the Glue

Krazy Glue has been getting tons of play in the media this month:

Man glued to toilet seat, sues store

A Colorado man who had a panic attack when he found he was glued to a toilet seat in a Home Depot restroom has sued the home improvement giant for negligence, saying staff ignored his plight.

He explained his plight to an employee who came into the restroom but other Home Depot staffers thought it was a hoax and he had to wait until someone else came in to again summon help.

"Home Depot not only ignored my plight, they refused my plight," he said.

Ok...hang on a second...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ok...ok...I'm cool...oh shit hang on...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

All right...all right...I'm composed.

"My ass was stuck to a toilet, and Home Depot ignored my plight." Just awesome all on it's own, no color commentary here.


Woman glues man's penis to abdomen, nuts to leg, and buttocks shut; loses lawsuit

An act of revenge against an ex-boyfriend, pretty standard. The best part of this story is that the crazy bitch claims that it was a consensual sex act.

"Oh baby...get that krazy glue...yeeaaaaaahhhhh rub that shit all up in my ass crack...don't forget my balls..."

Right.


Sleeping Swede injured in glue attack

The ultimate shaming: gluing a drunk guy's face shut. The fact that he's Swedish somehow makes it funnier. Ya.


In parking lot, glue becomes a weapon

A handful of New England College students woke up this week to find an interesting poem of sorts glued to their car windows.

The sign, typed in black letters in halting, unpunctuated prose read: "I park illegally and I am a litter bug I am a selfish idiot and can not follow rules." It was glued to each window of the cars, twice on the back.

"Who does that?" said Matt Brisk, 19, as he and a friend scraped at the signs on his maroon Toyota Camry. "I park illegally, but I don't consider myself an idiot. Definitely selfish, but not a selfish idiot."

But Brisk and at least two other students have crossed a man who doesn't appreciate when students park illegally in the lot of the apartments he manages. And it really "torques him off" when they throw his notes on the ground.

"They were warned," said Michael "Irish" Burnett. "I'm not hurting the car - I'm making my point."

Glue deemed culprit in costume blaze

A Lisbon man who faces painful skin grafts as he recovers from burns suffered when his costume caught fire hasn't let the episode dampen his enthusiasm for Halloween, his mother said.

Just hours before being burned, Kenneth Jr. had won the grand prize for the fifth year in a row at a Sabattus pub thanks to a sheep costume he created by gluing 1,800 cotton balls onto a pair of long johns.

It wasn't the cotton balls that caught fire. Instead, it was the glue that ignited, causing second- and third-degree burns over much of his body.


Just when you think somebody couldn't be THAT STUPID, the specter of Darwin has a little chuckle at our expense. Unfortunately, modern medicine has assured the possibility that he still may procreate; pure Darwinism would have had him removed from the gene pool STAT.

"Stupid fucks."

Who knew that glue could be used for so much evil? I hereby declare the year 2005 OWN3D by Elmer's.





"Should I be afraid?" you may ask.







Hell yes you should be.