Zeig HEIL!

Today was the Kindergarten field trip to a local apple/pumpkin-picking type place. Being the sucker that I am, I agreed to chaperone. Middle Child is my kindergartener, and is mildly autistic, therefore he hangs with the "special" kids most of the day. Field trips with the special kids are always guaranteed to be an adventure, so I dragged my ass out of bed on 2 hours sleep and headed out for some fun in the autumn sun.

We got first dibs on bus seating, and it was a BIG bus to boot. The special kids were in awe; none of them had ever even been on anything but the short version, so this was quite a treat. The normals piled in and we were off, but one of the teachers had a nagging feeling that we'd forgotten something...

"OH MY GOD! Where's Mrs. Dowling's class???"

[bus screeches to a halt, takes the next turn, returns to the school]

We returned to find Mrs. Dowling's students crying at the dismissal door. Some bravely chanted through their tears..."We want PUMPKINS! We want PUMPKINS!" It was quite a scene, and it was all I could do to keep a straight face. They saw the bus come around the corner, wiped their snot on their sleeves and boarded up. Again, we were off.

We pulled up to the farm and had to wait for one of the employees to come onto the bus to lay down the ground rules for the visit. This was when we met our arch-nemesis for the day, Duck Nazi.


Duck Nazi was a cranky old lady who wielded a yellow duck on a stick, presumably as a sign of her dominance. She asked for everyone's attention, and of course the special kids in the front were paying absolutely none. Duck Nazi was incensed.

DN: "EXCUSE me! It's my turn to talk now."

[Jimmy laughs hysterically, throws his shoe.]

DN: "Now boys and girls, I need everyone's eyes on me!"

[Oswald starts screaming "EYES ON ME! EYES ON ME!"]

Duck Nazi glared at us and continued with the spiel. She even went so far as to walk to the 5th row of seats in order to drown out the sped ruckus. After about 10 minutes, she was satisfied that the Kindergarteners respected her authority, and we were allowed off the bus.

"RESPECT MY AUTHORI-TAY!"

The kids gathered around their teachers, and waited for further instructions from Duck Nazi. All the kids were pretty antsy (shit, they're FIVE), but of course the specials were a little over the top. Again, we incurred the wrath of Duck Nazi.

DN: "I hope THAT group is paying attention over there!!!"

[Middle Child kicks rocks and mulch, showering Duck Nazi's Keds with dirt]

She glared at us again, and we glared right back. I was on two hours sleep, and ready to tell her to shove her duck stick up her ass, but I restrained myself so as not to make Mrs. Dowling's class cry again. They'd been through enough. Duck Nazi was boss, and I kept my mouth shut.

DN: "Ok boys and girls, follow the yellow duck!"

[Boys and girls can't seem to get their shit together. Let's remember, they're FIVE]

DN: [gets pissy] "I HAVE A HAYRIDE WAITING FOR YOU PEOPLE, NOW LET'S GET A MOVE ON. FOLLOW THE DUCK!!!"

K: [under breath] "Zieg Heil, Duck Nazi. Christ."

[Teachers laugh; Duck Nazi is not amused. We continue to the hayride.]

The kids piled in and DuckBitch literally threw the pumpkin bags into the wagon. We took the long way around the orchard and ended up parking in front of the biggest joke of a pumpkin patch I've ever seen. This place basically took the SMALLEST pumpkins, piled them up, and told the kids to have at it. These things were literally gourd size, like the little mini ones that people get to decorate their desks at offices. We separated the bags and ended up being one short...when we asked Duck Nazi for another, she actually ARGUED with us, like we were trying to pilfer her shitty 1/2 pound pumpkins. The teachers were visibly intimidated by the duck-on-a-stick, so I briefly took over negotiations.

DN: "I GAVE you people 50 bags."
K: "We've got a kid without a bag. We need another."
DN: "I GAVE YOU ENOUGH."
K: "Listen, I've got 7 autistic kids standing behind me, and one needs a bag. Do you WANT Jimmy to start throwing his shoes again? GIVE ME THE BAG!"
DN: [shoves a bag at me and stalks off]

The kids each picked a pumpkin and were told to "go sit on that pipe over there." and wait for further instruction. Apparently, they were re-working their irrigation system, and had some pipes laying around with fittings and screws and all kinds of shit sticking out of them. THAT is where the Kindergarteners were instructed to sit. The teachers weren't about to argue with Duck Nazi, so to the pipes we went.

Notice all the shit in the background, under the gazebo. Pipes, concrete blocks, wood with rusty nails...good, clean, New England fun, yessiree.

To my absolute horror, the bitch actually looked in EACH KID'S BAG to make sure that nobody had lifted any extra pumpkins. One of Mrs. Dowling's kids actually started CRYING because she thought that the crazy lady with the duck stick was gonna take her pumpkin away. I made a mental note to come back later and let the air out of her tires.

Finally it was time to feed the animals, and each teacher was given a WHOLE handful of grain to dole out to her 25 students. Mrs. Dowling's class started crying again, leaving the teachers scrambling for quarters to buy more grain out of the vending machines. One of the goats managed to stick his head out of a hole in the wire and bit a little girl. Jimmy started taking his shoe off to defend little Jennifer, but Miss Ana managed to tackle him before he made it over to the goat. It was quickly decided that it was time to go.

We got them back to the school and all they did was chatter about HOW MUCH FUN THAT WAS! Teachers and parents alike looked at each other warily; I made a silent vow to get drunk tonight.

Pumpkin picking sucks.