Yard Sale Hell
Sunday, October 02, 2005
This weekend, my aunt strong-armed me into having a yard sale. It seemed the right thing to do, since I've got a houseful of shit from my Christmas Tree Shop exploits (the lined baskets are staying, nobody touches my fucking baskets) and a decent sized yard. I figured I'd lug out a few boxes of crap, sit in a bag chair and have a quiet weekend. Little did I know that my aunt had an entire storage locker full of shit to get rid of. She was at my house at 6am Saturday, with a Ford Taurus full of junk and a mission to hang as many pieces of Goodwill-grade clothing on my fence as she possibly could. She seriously made about 8 trips to fill my yard with her junk. Here is a semi-panoramic view of my yard after she was done with it.
This was at the end of day one, after it had been picked over. Picture twice as much shit, and about a dozen old ladies wheeling and dealing for chipped mugs and frayed throw rugs, and that's what my yard looked like.
Anyway, I made a few bucks and got rid of several boxes full of useless junk, but not without having to deal with the neighborhood crazies.
This one lady wanted to buy a purse. I have a small purse fetish, so I had about four of them with tags still attached (showing retail prices of $50+), all Liz Claiborne or Ralph Lauren. She wasn't pleased with my pricing.
OL: "How much for this purse?"
K: "Four dollars"
OL: (feigns shock) "Four WHOLE dollars?"
K: "Yes. Four WHOLE dollars."
OL: "Three dollars."
K: "No."
OL: "This is a yard sale."
K: (feigning a little shock of my own) "REALLY?"
OL: "I'm allowed to ask for a discount."
K: "And I'm allowed to emphatically say 'NO' "
OL: "Tell you what. I'll give you five for both purses." (condescending tone, as if she's doing me a favor)
K: "NO."
OL: "You're not going to sell anything with that attitude." (getting pissy with me)
K: "And you're not getting any purses with yours."
OL: "Fine. Four dollars." (hands me a twenty)
K: "It's five dollars now."
OL: "WHAAAAT???"
K: "If I'm breaking a twenty, I can only give you fives for change. Sorry."
You think this would have been enough to send her off in a huff, never to return to my yard, but she ante'd up the fucking twenty and left, Liz Claiborne purse in her wrinkled little hand. Pfffft. Amateur.
Another guy wanted a surge protector that my husband had put out. He tried for 10 minutes to talk me from $5 to $3. I told him $4 was as low as I'd go. He pretended to walk away, looking back at me to see if I'd chase him down and beg him for his three bucks. Since I could have cared less, I kept my chubby little behind in my bag chair with a Coke Zero in one hand and a bag of Cape Cod potato chips in the other. He ended up forking over the $4 bucks. Another amateur. God, please send me someone who can really wheel and fucking deal, because I need a little mental stimulation.
A second old lady bought a whole outfit from my aunt for a dollar.
OL2: "These pants look huge. Are they maternity?"
Aunt: "No, they're size 14's. They're big by definition."
OL2: "Will you take fifty cents? I mean, it's maternity."
Aunt: "Lady, it's not maternity, and I'm not going lower than a buck."
OL2: "Well I really don't think it will fit me."
Aunt: "Then don't buy it."
She finally took the outfit and drove off. 2 hours later, she was back, demanding a her money back because it was too small. Classic. She used her big refund to buy an 80's style velvet sweatshirt for her husband. She was back another hour later to return that; I guess he's fat too. Considering the price of gas, it probably cost her more to go back and forth than it did to buy the Goodwill clothes.
While my aunt and I fended off the retirement home escapees, Youngest Child had a fine time trying to sell himself for 10 cents. He covered himself in stickers and tried walking off with several random strangers. My kids are THAT desperate to get away from me.
So 2 days of dealing with fucktards (and being my aunt's personal yard sale bitch), netted me 70 bucks. I think it goes without saying that I'll be blowing my wad on alcohol this weekend.
This was at the end of day one, after it had been picked over. Picture twice as much shit, and about a dozen old ladies wheeling and dealing for chipped mugs and frayed throw rugs, and that's what my yard looked like.
Anyway, I made a few bucks and got rid of several boxes full of useless junk, but not without having to deal with the neighborhood crazies.
This one lady wanted to buy a purse. I have a small purse fetish, so I had about four of them with tags still attached (showing retail prices of $50+), all Liz Claiborne or Ralph Lauren. She wasn't pleased with my pricing.
OL: "How much for this purse?"
K: "Four dollars"
OL: (feigns shock) "Four WHOLE dollars?"
K: "Yes. Four WHOLE dollars."
OL: "Three dollars."
K: "No."
OL: "This is a yard sale."
K: (feigning a little shock of my own) "REALLY?"
OL: "I'm allowed to ask for a discount."
K: "And I'm allowed to emphatically say 'NO' "
OL: "Tell you what. I'll give you five for both purses." (condescending tone, as if she's doing me a favor)
K: "NO."
OL: "You're not going to sell anything with that attitude." (getting pissy with me)
K: "And you're not getting any purses with yours."
OL: "Fine. Four dollars." (hands me a twenty)
K: "It's five dollars now."
OL: "WHAAAAT???"
K: "If I'm breaking a twenty, I can only give you fives for change. Sorry."
You think this would have been enough to send her off in a huff, never to return to my yard, but she ante'd up the fucking twenty and left, Liz Claiborne purse in her wrinkled little hand. Pfffft. Amateur.
Another guy wanted a surge protector that my husband had put out. He tried for 10 minutes to talk me from $5 to $3. I told him $4 was as low as I'd go. He pretended to walk away, looking back at me to see if I'd chase him down and beg him for his three bucks. Since I could have cared less, I kept my chubby little behind in my bag chair with a Coke Zero in one hand and a bag of Cape Cod potato chips in the other. He ended up forking over the $4 bucks. Another amateur. God, please send me someone who can really wheel and fucking deal, because I need a little mental stimulation.
A second old lady bought a whole outfit from my aunt for a dollar.
OL2: "These pants look huge. Are they maternity?"
Aunt: "No, they're size 14's. They're big by definition."
OL2: "Will you take fifty cents? I mean, it's maternity."
Aunt: "Lady, it's not maternity, and I'm not going lower than a buck."
OL2: "Well I really don't think it will fit me."
Aunt: "Then don't buy it."
She finally took the outfit and drove off. 2 hours later, she was back, demanding a her money back because it was too small. Classic. She used her big refund to buy an 80's style velvet sweatshirt for her husband. She was back another hour later to return that; I guess he's fat too. Considering the price of gas, it probably cost her more to go back and forth than it did to buy the Goodwill clothes.
While my aunt and I fended off the retirement home escapees, Youngest Child had a fine time trying to sell himself for 10 cents. He covered himself in stickers and tried walking off with several random strangers. My kids are THAT desperate to get away from me.
So 2 days of dealing with fucktards (and being my aunt's personal yard sale bitch), netted me 70 bucks. I think it goes without saying that I'll be blowing my wad on alcohol this weekend.
sKWeez'd by K @ 9:34 PM | Perma-link
1 Comments:
At 10/03/2005 2:56 PM,
Olivia Twist said…
That would be so frustrating, to even have a yard sale. I always thought about having one, but since I live out in the woods, I don't think anyone would come over. I would end up dragging all that shit out to the yard, and then back into the car to bring to the Salvation Army or something. Didn't know that people can get that snotty over a few bucks.
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