Lesbians have the right idea

I'm really starting to think that the growing segment of women who are saying "No SIR!" to their male counterparts are onto something. So, loyal readers, I give you:

K's Top Ten Reasons to Munch Carpet

• Women smell better. And not just because we are addicted to scented body wash and fancy department store perfumes. It's biological. Cavemen stunk to divert predator attention from their weaker, fairer mates, and a million years of evolution really hasn't done much to change that.

• Women are less hairy. Even the Lady Sasquatch types aren't as hairy and stubbly as the men are. Their hair is coarse, ours is finer. And we're not afraid to snag the hairball that is clogging the shower drain. Men are such pussies about that.

• Female bodies (and hands) are softer. The male physique is intended to be muscular, with less body fat. The female is built to give birth, to nurture and be of comfort. With such responsibility comes a fat ass and a bit of a belly, which can be kinda fun to snuggle up to. And a nicely manicured and moisturized hand on the nether regions can be a nice break from callouses and hangnails. And BOOBS! They are much more fun to play with than a flat, hairy man chest. Shit, these days I can barely keep my hands off my own, imagine the excitment of an entirely new set!
  

"Hey, can I have a turn?"

• We pee sitting down. And we don't "miss", henceforth, LESS CLEANING.
  

• We each own a vagina, therefore, are far more likely to know how to handle one. I don't envy a man's predicament in having to figure out how to turn a woman on. The vagina is a complicated organ, and not everybody knows how to play. Another woman, at least, has got a head start on the task at hand.

• We understand PMS. Yes, we get pissy for a few days a month, and men generally have no idea how to deal with it. You get two women together, and they can share Midol and hold heat pads on each others' bellies.
  

• Penises are completely replaceable. Have you SEEN the Adam & Evecatalog lately? Holy shit, they've got vibrators that could practically fly you around the room if that's what you're into. If you're craving the pickle, there's no need to go to the market anymore. Just reach under the bed, pull out the box full 'o toys and have at it. Hell, there's even artificial insemination these days, we don't even need them to procreate! Maybe you're a bit reluctant to replace flesh with rubber, but think about this: when was the last time you saw a real penis rotate, vibrate, and glow in the dark? Yeah, I didn't think so. Viva la cyberskin!

• No more splooge in your eye. Or in your hair. Or on the bed. Waking up stuck to the sheets is a thing of the past, my friends. Rejoice!

• Double the wardrobe choices. Think about it ladies; TWICE AS MANY PAIRS OF STRAPPY HEELS TO CHOOSE FROM. WOOT!!!

And finally, K's number one reason for becoming a K.D. Lang fan...

• NO MORE MEN. No more Sundays wasted watching ESPN. Constant ball scratching a problem? NOT ANYMORE! Random gropes as you walk by each other in the hallway...NYET! No more "going out with the boys" and coming home at 3am stinking of alcohol. Forgotten anniversaries, birthdays, chores...gone, gone and gone. No more dirty man laundry to do - unballing the socks, fishing boxers out of their jeans, pre-spotting their shirts because they are completely incapable of hitting their mouth...UGH! Going into the bathroom to find that the t.p. roll is completely EMPTY, wet towels on the floor, tripping over their big fucking shoes ...ALL A THING OF THE PAST, ladies. You're a lesbian now!

But snuggling up to a fuzzy man with a bit of a gut can be so comforting...big hands, strong arms, non-rubber genitalia... *sigh*

Ah fuck. There's always the occasional threesome if you need a fix. But on a daily basis, WE DON'T NEED THEM, GODDAMIT! WE DON'T!

I'm telling ya, ladies. The lesbians have it right. I wish I were smart enough to give up the cock.