I WON! I WON!

The husband and I were invited to a housewarming Friday night. Two female friends of ours moved in together (sorry, pervs, they're straight), and being the smart and savvy city-livin' types that they are, they knew that inviting their friends over for drinks and Sam's Club hors d'ouevres was the only proper thing to do. We didn't wanna miss out on the fun (like we usually do), so we sold our souls for a babysitter and drove a half hour south to hang with our enviably single friends.

The apartment was really beautiful. Polished hard wood floors, Ikea as far as the eye could see...classy, very classy...and BREAKABLES! Shit, I haven't seen a good knick-knack in years, all of mine are broken, glued, or packed safely away, so I was thoroughly impressed. I got myself a drink and sank into the overstuffed suede couch.

One of our hostesses, Evelyn, ran feverishly around the apartment serving up trays and filling up drinks.

K: "Where's Melissa?"
E: "She's at a scavenger hunt, it's a work thing."
K: "Really?"
E: "Yeah, she's been drinking since 1pm, I'm kinda worried about her." [it was 8 at that point]

About 2 hours after we arrived, Melissa finally called. Apparently, her team had won, and she'd had to stay for the awards ceremony. She was screaming like a nutcase about her prize, and Evelyn couldn't make out what the hell it was that she won, but from her hysteria we figured it had to be something really great. We waited with anticipation for her to come through the door and share her adventures with us.

Melissa stumbled through the door close to 11pm, completely fucking LIT.

M: [slurring] "whaasssuup you guyss???"
E: "Hey Melissa. Where ya been?"
M: "E-Mama... [this is what everyone calls Evelyn. Why, I have no idea]...are you maaaaad at me? Pleeeeeease don'be maaaaaad..."
E: "It's all good."
M: "Don' worry, E-Mama...I gon' clean allllll thissup...you never hafta clean AGAIN. EVER."

We all wanted to know what the hell it was that she won, but of course she had to tell the story of her drunken adventures first. They had to go to bars...lots of bars...to get clues. They had to canoe in the Charles River [we all kinda gagged a bit], go to random places like butcher shops...8 FUCKING HOURS. And her team WON! So the prize must be substantial, right?

So what do you win, Melissa?

M: "OHMYGOD YOU GUYSSSSSS...YOU WON' BELIEVE IT!!!"

Try us.

M: "I won...a voucher that can be used on innnernaaashnul [translation: international][ flight! And I'm going to Europe next year, so it's PERFECT!"

A whole flight? Wow, fucking sweet!

M: "It's a $25 voucher. I'm PSYCHED!"

[silence]

$25 bucks?

[silence]

[We all look at each other. Snickering starts.]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

M: "Fuck you guys! You are NOT bringing me down, this is fucking STELLAR."

My brother-in-law had to be laughing the hardest. "Melissa, we all coulda chipped in $3 bucks, had you here on time AND saved you a dip in the Charles."

M: "YOU'RE NOT GONNA RUIN THIS FOR ME! I NEVER WIN ANYTHING YOU FUCKERS!"

[more laughter]

M: "You guys suuuuuck. I'm gettininother drink, you priiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicks."

Friends are meant to be supportive, but TRUE friends will point and laugh at you when you TRULY deserve it.