Harder, faster, MORE!

I came upon this jpeg while perusing a message board. The underlying sentiment wasn't immediately obvious, so I kinda rolled my eyes and moved on. Some fucking pervert of a man who likes it rough, I thought. Then I noticed that it had been posted by a woman. So it made me think a bit.

As young girls, our impressionable notions of sex are shaped by what we are exposed to in the romantic fantasies of romance novels and daytime soap operas. Gazing into each other's eyes, extended lip locks (sans tongue, and saliva), slow and gentle lovemaking that culminates in simultaneous orgasm followed by lying in bed with satin sheets that are always pulled up to the neck...this is what we are led to believe is normal. This is what we expect in our first sexual experiences, and our inevitable disappointment leads us to believe that there is something wrong with US.

Another huge misconception is that orgasm is a given. If you don't come every time, then you're frigid and inhibited. Position shouldn't matter, penis + vagina should equal earth-shattering orgasmic bliss for both partners. They don't tell us that only 29% of women come every time.

I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but tender embraces in the missionary position simply don't do it for me.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice for bonding and comfort, to feel close to one's partner...but it's not gonna get me screaming. I want it hard, dirty, and preferably doggie. And it took me until I was almost a solid 10 years into adulthood to realize that this is completely normal. There is something wrong with that. And I know I'm not the only one.

Which leads me to this conclusion...

I think that I need to tour high schools to share my knowledge so that others do not follow in my footsteps of sheltered ignorance. Young girls everywhere could benefit, and it is my duty as a woman to educate.

K's Sex Tips For The Next Generation

• Sex does not equal love. If some guy wants to get into your pants, go for it, just don't expect undying devotion. Use the experience to explore your own sexuality, and move on.
  

• There's no reason for your first time to leave you walking funny for a week. Lube is your friend, and I strongly suggest Astroglide.

• Have many varied sexual experiences before settling down. Marrying the first man you sleep with is generally NOT a good idea. It works for some, but in this day and age, you're bound to regret not taking that second, third, fourth or tenth trip to the "All You Can Eat" buffet.

• Sleeping around does not make you a whore. It makes you a savvy shopper. If you were in the market for a car, would you buy the first one you saw? Hell no! You kick the tires, you run a Carfax, you Google for recall information and consumer reports...why should we be any less careful in shopping for a man?

• It's ok to double-click your own mouse. Helping things along doesn't mean that your man isn't getting the job done, it just means that you need a little something extra to get you there. If he's threatened by that, keep shopping.

• You are not a deviant if you like it rough. It seems that men are allowed (hell, they're expected) to be huge fucking pigs, and women are expected to lie back and demurely enjoy the ride. FUCK THAT. If you want your hair pulled and your nipples pinched, then more power to you, sister. Find a man who's willing to dole out a little punishment and have a blast.

Finally, and most importantly...

• You are not alone. We're all insecure. We all think we're freaks. And there IS a man out there who will understand and love you for who you are. Don't settle.

This is my calling! I'm sure the PTA will embrace me as their next guest speaker. If only my initiative would qualify for federal funding...God, how I miss the Clinton administration...