Conundrums

As a parent...fuck, as a human being even...I come across daily conundrums. Today has been no different.

Conundrum #1

Oldest child (age 7) came to me with a problem.

OC: "Mummy, my bum hurts."
K: "Oooooookay. Can you be a little more specific?"
OC: "I think I have a rash."
K: "I told you not to get too close to those little girls on the corner. You don't know where they've been."
OC: "HUH?"
K: "Never mind. Let's see it."

[Oldest Child drops trow]

K: "Honey, I don't see anything.
OC: "It's right THERE!" [points between the cheeks]

Ah fuck. I haven't gotten this close to my son's butt since he was in diapers, so this was slightly awkward. I cringed a little and pushed the cheek over just enough to reveal a pretty good-sized whitehead. It was in a bad spot, rubbing against the OTHER cheek, so I could see why he's uncomfortable.

The Dilemma

Do I pop the damned thing? I mean, I've had a clogged pore or two on my own ass before, and I know that it really fucking hurts until you release the pressure. But then again, I really don't want to pop zits on my 7 year old son's butt.

Solution

I decided to leave this one for Daddy to deal with when he gets home. Avoidance is key when faced with difficult situations in parenting. When you are able to pass the buck, DO IT.


Conundrum #2

The short bus stopped in front of my house to drop off Middle Child (age 5). Some unlucky bastard in a truck got stuck behind said short bus, and was visibly annoyed. As I was walking toward the bus, I heard him say "What the FUCK!" and honk his horn. I then saw him slowly start moving forward, as if he were planning on PASSING the little bus WITH the fucking stop sign up and lights blinking.

Buckle up, ree-tees!

The Dilemma

Do I run faster to get my son off of the bus so he doesn't get mowed down by the asshole in the Chevy, or do I confront the situation?

Solution

As I took my leisurely stroll toward the bus (and made a quick check to be sure that the bus windows were up), I stopped to address Mr. Pissy Pants.

K: "It must make you feel like a big man to honk your horn at the SPECIAL NEEDS PRESCHOOLERS WHO RIDE THE LITTLE BUS. Shut up and WAIT YOUR FUCKING TURN."

Pissy Pants turned beet red and rolled up his window. My sweet little boy WAVED at him as we walked up the driveway.

As a parent to a special needs child, I've learned that people like to talk shit about your kid if they think you don't have the balls to confront them. Once you do, they back down like little bitches.

Moral of the story: DO NOT fuck with the parents of those who ride the short bus. We are pissed off at the world and just waiting to take it out on someone who deserves it.


Conundrum #3

Should I fold the laundry or blow it off to post another entry on my blog?


Well. I think you know how this one turned out.