The Razr and the Tard

As you all know, I am a supervisor at a large shipping company that shall remain nameless. I train every new hire that comes in on my shift for their first week on the job, so I come across some pretty interesting characters. From potheads to gang members to the criminally insane, I'm trapped in a small room with them for 5 days of classroom instruction.

For the last week or so, I'd noticed that the large, bald man who runs the security department has been skulking around the hub. He usually works the day shift, and seeing him in the dead of night is usually an indication of a sting, some suspicion of illegal activity that prompts hidden cameras and strip searches. In the shipping world, theft abounds, and having a box full of brand new XBox games or IPods bust open right in front of you can be a very tempting thing.

My company is known to prosecute for stealing something as small as a CD. They make an example of you. They'll pat you down right in front of the punchclock and lead you out in cuffs past the break area. I've even heard rumors of on-site cavity searches. The smart people know this, and will stuff spilled items right back into the box and tape it up. The dumb ones will snag a thing or two and try to sneak out past the guard shack with it.

Smart people also noticed Bald Guy creeping about this week. Dumb people did not.

During break, just as I was letting my newest crop of deviants out to play for 10 minutes, I saw Bald Guy and 2 cops walking one of the sorters out of the building. It was quite a scene, like something out of a prison movie: employees sitting up on ladders were taunting the guy, and even threw a few things. I was waiting for someone to start yelling "FRESH MEAT" any minute. My students were absolutely dumbfounded. I'd given them the "security talk" earlier in the evening, and they actually LAUGHED and ROLLED THEIR EYES when I told them that the company makes an example of those caught stealing. Fuckers. Doubt me again and you'll find yourself assigned to the haz-mat cage to breathe in fumes for the rest of your package-slinging career.

So dumbass got led out in chains. But that's not the best part.

What had happened was a box with 10 Motorola Razr cell phones had busted open on the sort aisle. This assclown decided to grab one of the boxes, pry the cell phone out of it, and stick it in his pocket. On his way out of work, the guard at the shack stopped him and asked him to open his cell phone (they do this to make sure that it's actually in service and wasn't snagged on the job). He opened it, and of course the screen was blank. The guard tried to push a few buttons, and found that he couldn't.

The genius stole a display model.



Out of the 10 phones that were being shipped to this particular customer, they'd included one dummy phone. And that was the one that he picked.


Other entries in the "Fucktard Hall of Fame" contest:

• This one guy walked out of work with his CD player TAPED SHUT. This, of course, aroused the suspicion of the guard at the shack, so he cut it open and found 5 DVD's stuffed in there.
  

• We had wannabe jewel thieves on this one belt last year. They'd look for items from a certain shipper that was known to be a jeweler, bust open the packages, get the goods and hide them in the sweatbands of their hats (the guards ask you to take your hat off before you go through the metal detector, so it was actually a decent plan). They even had other people in the area whistle if a supervisor was coming. Too bad it went on for WEEKS and they couldn't keep their mouths shut about it, so the security department set up cameras and ended up busting everyone who worked on the belt. By that point, it was grand larceny, and they all ended up doing time.
  

• An unloader was caught snagging a single DVD one night, and they dragged him up to the security office and put him under the hot lights, threatening him with a call to the cops. The guy sang like a canary and gave up 10 of his coworkers for similar activities. And the fuckers STILL led him out in cuffs.

• A girl who worked in my area tried walking out of the building wearing no less than 3 Old Navy sweatshirts. She didn't even bother taking the tags off. And it was July.

Moral of the story: if you're going to lead a life of crime, try not to be retarded. And heed the warnings of the sweet girl in the black polo shirt who tries to steer you away from the fate of prison buttsex.





"Ok class! Tonight we're going to talk about the dangers of ass rape, and what it means to you as an employee at the largest shipping company in the world..."