Middle School is HELL

I got called to substitute teach at a local middle school today. I had a stabbing in my class the last time I subbed 8th grade at a different school, so needless to say I was a bit skeptical.

Yes, I really had a stabbing. I can't make this shit up, truth is truly stranger than fiction.

It was last period on a friday in a particularly unruly Social Studies class, when I noticed some activity at the back of the room. All of a sudden, a kid came running from the back of the class. Bear in mind that this was my second week of substitute teaching.



Kid: "THAT MOTHERFUCKER STABBED ME!!!" (blood running down arm)
K: "What the..." (stutters) "How did THAT happen?"
Kid: "HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW???"
K: "Jesus Christ...go...go to the nurse, or something!"

[hilarity ensues among the class]

K: "Everyone go back to your seats, now!"

[hysterical laughter, and a few under-the-breath utterances of "fuck you, bitch!"]

K: (returns to desk, hides behind book)

After a few minutes of complete madness, I peek next door to the more experienced "team leader" teacher (this is who I was told to go to if I needed help).

K: "Hi, my class is really out of control, can you help me?"
T: "Pffft, actually, you have better control over them than the normal teacher. Dismissal is in half an hour, you'll make it."
K: (slowly closes door, mouth open with complete shock)

[class busts up laughing. "Nice try!" they taunt]

10 minutes of anarchy later, the principal shows up.

P: "What the hell is going on up here???"

Some of the class dummies up, but a few hold-outs stare her down. Instead of telling them to sit their asses down, she instead shoots ME an icy glare (like it's MY fault that her school is a fucking zoo) and LEAVES.

[more "fuck you, bitch!" from the back of the room, this time directed at the principal, who keeps walking]

Then the intercom. The police have showed up, and they want witnesses. 5 of my students get called down to the office. Some punk looks alarmed and stands in their way.

P: "You'd better not say SHIT to those pigs."
K: "Why, will there be a shanking in the mess hall later?"

[Punk stares me down. I silently curse my smart mouth, and start mapping out my escape, making mental note NOT to take the route out of the parking lot that goes by schoolyard.]

The dismissal bell finally rang, and I actually ran out of that class AHEAD of my criminals-in-training.

Needless to say, I never went back to that school again. And I've avoided middle school in general ever since. But I need the dough, so off to middle school I went.

The kids were actually really well behaved...no shankings to speak of! But here are some observations:

• Middle school girls wear some of the most inappropriate clothing I've ever seen. The easy girls at the bars are more modest. One girl had these sheer, skin-tight pink pants with a visible THONG, a low cut white shirt and more makeup than a working girl. Another girl had a thin pink sweater on, with no bra, that clearly showed off some darkly-colored areola. It amazes me that parents let their children out of the house looking like that.
  

• Other girls sported stark-white streaks in their hair, nose piercings, and fake red nails that would make Elvira jealous.
  

• It seems that the "wear your pants as low and baggy as you can" trend has reared it's ugly head yet again...only this time, boxers aren't part of the ensemble. I saw more middle school boy asscrack today than I ever thought possible. Dear God.

• When did Jheri Curl and calling each other "nigga" become fashionable for young Latino and Caucasian men?
  

"In other sports news...Pedro Martinez today took full responsibility for
resurrecting the Jheri Curl trend in New England."

• The teacher came back to see how we were doing, and I told him that they'd been fine (to me, "fine" is the equivilant of "no stabbings, and nobody called me a bitch"). He points one kid out: "Watch out for that one. He's trouble. He's got a few parts missing [gestures to his head]." I laughed, and he stopped and said "No, seriously, that one's loco," and walked out. As he was leaving, one of the kids asked him a question in Spanish and he muttered, "Ah, shut up..." Mr. Escalante, he is NOT.

• A 6th grade gym class ran by the building, so of course my little angels had to start yelling stuff out the window. "KEEP RUNNING, WHITE BOY!" one kid yelled. Said white boy jogged over to the side of the building, squatted like he was about to take a shit, and proceed to jump up and spit water right at the window. The boy who yelled automatically tried to get through the window to grab the kid, but lucky for whitey he was portly enough to prevent exit.
  

Teaching is so rewarding. In fact, I think I'll reward myself with a stiff drink after dinner.