"I'm not gonna let it control my life"

Here I sat at the computer this morning, and heard the above catch phrase coming from the idiot box. Now, usually you hear this phrase on commercials that revolve around the following:

• Quitting smoking (I'm-a-dumb-fuck-who-wanted-to-be-cool-in-college)
  
• Losing weight (mommy-never-loved-me-so-now-I-stuff-my-face)
  
• Depression (daddy-never-loved-me-and-now-I'm-bipolar)
  
• Erectile dysfunction (cock-won't-get-hard-and-I-need-Viagra)
• Birth Control (I-wanna-fuck-whenever-I-want-and-don't-wanna-get-knocked-up)
  
• Acne medication (my-face-is-pizza-and-I-can't-get-laid)

~~~
Disclaimer
Half this shit applies to me, so I'm not passing judgement. Yes, I fall well into the depressed fat-ass dumb fuck category, and I don't pretend not to. If you're going to get all offended by me making light of the collective weakness of our generation, go find a blog that's more politically correct and leave me to my shit-talking. (((Hugs!)))

~~~

Imagine my surprise when I realized that an 8 year old kid was saying it.

I turn around and it's a commercial for "Goodnites", an overnight diaper for big kids who wet the bed. The kid was going on about how she was afraid to sleep over at her friend's houses because she thought she may piss herself, but now that she's got mini-Depends with Disney Princesses on them, she's FREE! Free to frolic in flowery meadows, and free to never worry again about smelling like a truck-stop toilet.





My-mommy-and-daddy-were-both-
-wicked-pissahs so-now-I'm-doomed-
-to-a-life-in-diapers.












Now I realize that bedwetting is a normal part of growing up...shit, I've got kids, and I've dealt with more pee-soaked bedsheets than R. Kelly's maid, so I'm not insensitive to the issue. I just find the advertising tactics to be amusing.

A few points:

• Where do they find a child actor who is willing to talk about pissing the bed? I mean, I know that all actors have to do their tampon and hemorrhoid commercials before they hit the big time, but how is that poor kid ever going to live it down? You're the kid who wets the bed, and that's what you'll be even if you win an Oscar someday. You'll be the Oscar-winning bed pisser. Get used to it.

• All kids go through bed-wetting phases. When we were kids, it was rubber sheets and the walk of shame down the hallway to wake up your mom, NOT DIAPERS. I ask you; ARE DIAPERS REALLY SUPPOSED TO BE THAT MUCH LESS DEMEANING??? I'm sorry, but they're not going to sell me on diapers equalling empowerment for my 8 year old.
  

• Many children who wet the bed do so because of underlying psychological issues; divorce, problems at school, abuse...so what do we do instead of helping our children to work through such issues? WE PUT THEM IN DIAPERS.
  

GoodNites Jumbo:
For the Portly Pisser

I understand that it's convenience. I understand that it's less laundry and less stress. But more convenient doesn't always mean it's better. I've been through bed wetting. You cut the kid off of liquid an hour before bed, make him pee after he brushes his teeth and wake him up about 2am to pee again. It's a pain, but at least the kid has his dignity for fuck's sake.

Just remember; that poor child actor is forever going to be known as a stinky bed wetter so that Pampers could sell big ass diapers to your kid. Think about that.