Chubby girls need lingerie too

I'm going away with The Husband this weekend for a wedding. It's on the coast, and it's at 11am Saturday, so we've decided to stay overnight Friday and Saturday, leaving to come back to reality Sunday morning. The Husband has been hinting around that he wanted us to go and pick out a few novelties at the "adult book store", but I told him to put that right out of his mind because I swore years ago that I would NEVER enter one of those stores with him ever again.

What a fucking prude, right? Please reserve judgement until I clarify.

About 4 years ago, right around the time we were just starting to discover the joys of the Spice Channel, we were driving by a store called "The Moonlight Reader", a classy little establishment that divided their sections by fetish; categories included "boy-boy", "swingers", "amateurs", "orgy", etc....you get the picture.

H: (off-handed, half-joking) "Hey, we should stop and pick up a few supplies."
K: "You wouldn't."
H: "Oh yeah?" (car slows down)
K: "No fucking way. You wouldn't be caught dead in a place like that."
H: (takes a fast right, wheels screech as he rounds the corner) "You think so, huh?"
K: "I'M NOT GOING IN THERE!"
H: "Fine, then I'm going in myself and buying a Jenna Jameson doll to play with."
K: "Great! Don't forget to pick up her little friend Aria for me, babe."

"Who's your Daddy, Aria...who's your Daddy...
ah shit, another rip, where the fuck
is my cyberskin glue?"

So we went in, and he immediately ushered me over to the toy section. Rubber cock as far as the eye could see, in every imaginable size, shape and color. I was entirely taken aback; I'd never seen a toy up close, nor had I ever dreamed I'd end up standing in front of WalMart-esque display with big orange signs that said "Buy 1 Dildo, Get 1 Free". Hot damn, how I loooooove me some BOGO, so I decided maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

H: "Pick one."
K: "Why don't you pick one."
H: "No no, it's for you, pick whichever one you want."
K: "Ok, just don't get offended if I pick out the one that starts up with a pull cord."

So I looked around and immediately picked up the biggest one I could find; the Lexington Steel Special, 11" and counting. I didn't actually have any real desire to try to hide that thing, so to speak, I was just fascinated by the sheer size.

H: "FUCKING HELL!!!"
K: (drops robo-cock like a hot potato) "I TOLD YOU TO PICK IT OUT! I knew you'd get all pissed off!"
H: "What the fuck, you actually want one that BIG???"
K: "No, honey, I was actually picking it out for you."

I wanted to leave right then, but he insisted that we stay and he was sorry and I could pick anything I wanted (yeah RIGHT!). I went with a non-threatening 8 incher called "Mr. Softie", a pleasing pink phallus that was almost exactly the same girth as The Husband (so as not to offend). We bought it, drove off, and endured the most uncomfortable car ride of our married life.

K: "You're pissed off. I can tell."
H: "No I'm not."
K: "Yeah, ok."
H: "Well what the fuck, have you been fantasizing about giant cock all this time?"
K: "Jesus Christ."

Mr. Softie lay destitute in the dresser drawer for quite some time. We eventually started using him on occasion, and he led an occasional yet active lifestyle until he became damaged...I'll save that story for next week.

Now is it a bit clearer why I refuse to venture into porn shops with my husband?

Anyway, back to this weekend.

He knew I wouldn't go with him, so I'm pretty sure he picked up something on his own. Since he is putting in effort, I figured I had to as well, and decided to go lingerie shopping this morning. Now, for my readers that are larger than a size 10, you know what a hellish experience this can be. The only lingerie designer who even bothers with chubby chicks is Delta Burke, and we all know what a sexpot SHE is.

Oh yeah. I'd hit it.

2 hours, 3 stores, and a newly found resolve to go back to the gym later, I came up with a couple of naughty numbers (NOT DELTA BURKE THANK GOD) that should make him happy, including these little ruffled boy shorts below. The chick wearing them is way hotter than I'll ever be, but you get the idea.



Let the spankings begin!




This wedding is open bar beginning to end (including Mimosas during the ceremony), so hopefully I'll have something interesting to share on Sunday.