New Releases

My grandmother is a colorful character about whom endless stories could be written. She's a shameless chain-smoker who will tell you to "go fry your ass" as soon as look at you. It is my duty as the oldest grandchild to take her shopping on occasion. About a month ago, I took her out on such an excursion. A fine day of shopping and searching for restaurants that allow smoking that inevitably ended at the old lady's paradise; WalMart.

She needed a coaxial cable so she could watch The Bachelor in the den while she simultaneously wheeled and dealed on the Party Poker site, so we ventured into the media section. As we picked out the cable, she suddenly remembered that she'd wanted to buy a movie.

K: "Which movie, Grandma."
G: "Jesus Christ, I don't remember. It had that guy in it, from that other movie. He's a funny bastard."
K: "Do you remember what it's about?"
G: "Maureen told me it was funny. I don't know what the christ it's about."
K: "Ok, well why don't you go look at the new releases and see if you recognize it, Gram."

So Grandma accosts a saleslady and asks her where the new movies hang out. Saleslady just started to point at the large display entitled (you guessed it) New Releases when grandma suddenly has a loud epiphany.

G: "I REMEMBER! Meet the Fuckers, that's what it's called. Miss, do you have Meet the Fuckers?"

Grandma has fantastic taste in porn.

I froze. She didn't just say that. Dear God.

Saleslady kept a straight face. "Fockers, dear. It's called 'Meet the Fockers' ". Bless her heart for being able to keep her shit together, as I could not. After about 10 seconds of complete open-mouthed shock, I busted up, doubled over with hysterical laughter. The saleslady lost it shortly thereafter, along with several passers-by. We got Gram her movie and quickly made our exit.

G: "You're going to tell Rhonda (my godmother, who was shopping in a different section) about this aren't you."
K: "Gram, I'm going to tell anyone who will listen. You're going to be an internet star once I'm done with you."
G: "Go fry your ass!"

So Gram's quite a character. I'd tell you about the time my dad caught her hanging out at Hooters, but that's a story for another day.