Hopelessness

I just got a call about a job I've been wanting for quite a while. There's a possibility I might even already have it. It's a job in my field, a job that would allow me to leave the crappy dead end position that I have right now. It's not for sure, but the probability is pretty good.

I'm not happy. I'm not hopeful. I'm not expecting it to come through, not in the slightest.

"You're nearing hopelessness," said my closest male friend. "It's a defense mechanism. You need to quit the crappy dead end job." How easy it is for my single friends to give me such advice. They don't have four other people to consider in every decision they make in their lives.

So I'm waiting. No, I'm not really even waiting. It's in the back of my mind that I'm supposed to get a phone call, but if a week goes by and nothing happens, I won't be the least bit surprised. Luck isn't really something that I've had over the last 4 years or so; why would it turn now?

I sat on my bed, contemplating my existence, mentally summing up my life's accomplishments. I have a master's degree, three beautiful kids...but what have I really done with my life? Will anybody remember me after I die? Will anybody (beyond my immediate family) care that I'm gone? What have I done to put my mark on the world?

And I felt an emotion break through the numbness I've been feeling all afternoon; fear. I started to cry.

I spent a good 10 minutes feeling pretty sorry for myself, when my youngest child came stumbling in with 2 laundry baskets on his head. He looked me over, took one of the laundry baskets, and put it on MY head so we'd match. Once he was satisfied that I was done crying, he left, bumping the doorway with his laundry basket on the way out.

Fucking pull yourself together and go play with your kids, stupid.

So I did.

Colors? Whites? Fuck, I'm so confused.