The Cast

I've realized that referring to my friends by number is going to get old pretty quick, so I'm going to assign names and descriptions to those that I interact with most regularly.


Yvonne (Girlfriend #1)
A bright young woman who is my best friend and the bane of my existence all at the same time. She's beautiful and funny as hell, yet she has shockingly low self-esteem and an incredibly annoying (and involuntary) tendency to send out homing signals that end up attracting the biggest loser within a 10 mile radius.

I spent 2 years talking her into breaking up with an overbearing, abusive boyfriend who wanted her barefoot, pregnant and rubbing his feet, and I've recently spent an equal amount of time trying to counsel her into giving up on a guy who has strung her along with "I'm not ready for a commitment, but I'll still sleep with you".

Once you get her loosened up, she's shitloads of fun and one of the best people I've ever known. She's one of those apples at the top of the tree that men are afraid to climb up and go after, so I'm hoping she finds someone with a ladder pretty fucking soon or I'M going to be the one in therapy.

Hazel (Girlfriend #2)
Hazel is going through a divorce from a man she was with for 13 years and has two children with. He decided to screw around on her, and he expected her to just be ok with that, like some mafia wife who knows that her husband has a whore in an apartment downtown but turns a blind eye. Hazel told him to go fuck himself, moved herself and her boys to her mother's house, and got a lawyer. She'll walk away with half the equity from the house, the furniture, the cars, the motorcycle, AND half his 401K, plus a hefty child support payment. The funniest part was when she emptied out the freezer. As she was leaving, he called her cell, in a tizzy, "WHERE'S MY MEAT? DID YOU TAKE MY MEAT???" She snickered and said "Yeah, so? Your boys are hungry." She had the equivilant of an entire cow loaded into the back of her car. Revenge on cheating spouses can be so much fun.

Anyway, Hazel is going through a 'stage' (read: raging alcoholism designed to dull the pain). She's the first to volunteer to go to the bar, but the last to offer to drive.


Martha (Girlfriend #3)
She is more Yvonne's friend than mine, an acquaintance from high school who moved in the "popular" circle of annoying girls with big hair and designer clothes. Martha's trademark is having natural D cups on a size 2 frame, and she's naturally the center of attention whenever we go out to a bar. Going out with Martha generally leads to her luring us to whatever bar her boyfriend is hanging out at so she can have a very public scene and then end up ditching us to go blow him in the parking lot. Another beautiful girl with low self-esteem...sad, but she can get us into a club with a simple flash of cleavage, so we keep her around.


JoJo
JoJo dated my brother in law on and off for about 9 years. He's too stupid to realize how great she is, so he dumped her in favor of a fuck buddy because he's not ready to commit. She's an earthy/crunchy, Birkenstock-wearing, pot-smoking cool chick with a great apartment in the city and a successful career. I occasionally hang with her when I feel like abandoning the lameness of the local scene.


Emily
My traditional Portuguese friend who was the biggest club whore in the world until she got married last year. Now she barely leaves the house and has taken up a new hobby of complaining endlessly about how annoying her husband and his family have become. She's a raving, maniacal bitch most of the time, which quite honestly is part of her charm, and we share a birthday.


Ghengis
My closest male friend. I've known him forever, pretty much since fetus-hood. It was he who suggested I assign pseudonyms, and he also encouraged me to start my blog (i.e. you have HIM to thank for this mess). Ghengis was his first choice, but here are the runners-up:

• Lovely Penis (boys do like to flatter themselves, don't they)
  
• Condor (streaking from the sky, ca-CAW, ca-CAW)
• Captain Munch (Captain? First Mate, perhaps, and that's on a good day)

Ghengis is cool shit. He generally has great taste in music (I say 'generally' because he tried to pass some kind of country crapola off on me last week), a fantastically warped and perverted sense of humor, and a truly unique life perspective. Most importantly, he's cuddly. He's dating a pet psychic who apparently has great tits. I haven't met her yet, so I'll be the judge of that.



There are others, but these are the ones you'll hear most about.