Grr...

My apologies for the lack of postings lately. I've been increasingly annoyed at work and my kids seem to become more hellish as the weather grows warmer.

Friday can be our example of a typical hell day in the K household. My little ones, driven mad by 2 weeks of rain, were begging to go outside to play...who was I to say no? They'd practically been having a fist fight in the back seat the entire way home, and I was all too glad to boot them outside. It only lasted about an hour, however, as Youngest Child took it upon himself to start beating Middle Child with a wiffle ball bat. Both children were promptly dragged in and forced into the bathtub to be de-mudded.

I dumped a capful of bubble bath into the tub and went around the corner to grab a towel. As I started washing them, I noticed that there were many, many more bubbles than had been there previously. I turned around to look at the bottle of Mr. Bubble that I had left sitting on the sink (brand new bottle, 32 ounces or so) only to find it empty, with a trail of sudsy footprints leading to and fro. It probably took me 20 minutes to rinse all the bubbles out of their hair. Needless to say I was kinda pissed. It's no wonder I seem to always be out of the damned stuff.

That motherfucker is always so happy.
Clearly, Mr. Bubble has no children.

I dried them and sent them on their way so I could take care of the rest of the mess on the floor when Youngest Child started demanding chocolate milk.

YC: "Mummy. I want a choco milk."
K: "You need to wait."
YC: "I WANT CHOCO MILK!"
K: "You need to wait."
YC: "PWEASE!!!"
K: "That's nice that you said please, but you need to wait."
YC: [stamping feet] "PWEASE, MUMMY! PWEASE! PWEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!"
K: "NOT NOW."
YC: [screaming] "I...SAID...PWEASE!!!"

Clearly, we need to teach him that "please" is not meant to be used to bark orders.

Seeing as I was a bit indisposed, I asked Oldest Child to fetch it for him. Big mistake. Youngest Child got impatient and shoved Oldest Child just as he was getting the gallon of milk out of the fridge, causing him to drop it...leaving 128 ounces of milk to seep under the fridge. It took exactly 2 full rolls of Bounty to sop up. The string of obscenities that flew from my lips while I cleaned it up would have made a sailor blush.

Youngest Child, at that moment, came stomping over with his sippy cup. I calmly informed him that he would get choco milk when hell froze over. He must have seen the wild look in my eyes, as he went to his room and didn't come back out. In fact, all of the children must have finally gotten the hint that Mommy had reached her breaking point, as they all retreated to their rooms to play quietly. THAT, my friends, NEVER happens.

Just as I was finishing up with the dairy explosion, the husband called.

H: "Hi. I'm on my way home, do we need anything."
K: [panting] "No."
H: [pause] "Why are you out of breath?"
K: "You don't wanna know."
H: "Oooo...K. I'll be home shortly."
K: "Good." [click]

He walked in a few minutes later to find the house was dead silent, and and me sitting on the couch in a semi-catatonic state. Needless to say, Mommy was officially off duty for the night.

Sadly, days like this are par for the course. Birdies and eagles are few and far between lately...